Christendom Choir Releases New CD!

Last Christmas Eve, Dr. Kurten von SchnikkelFritz-Poteracken unveiled the Christmasden College's latest and most intriguing CD.

Originally to be entitled "10 Irish Ballads sung by Anna Svendsen and Crew, Featuring Bridget Randolph and Brittany Scheidler on Guitar and Piccolo," the CD's title was changed at the very last minute to "Arabic Dirges with Mizz Baker, Beller, and Black," and then at the last second, the title was once again changed to a happy middle of the road Latin name, "Media Vita," which translated means, "My Midlife Crisis."

In order to remain true to the title, the CD's original Arabic Dirigible and Irish Ballad Instrumental tracks were scrapped by the wayside, but are now available through some back alley sources on 8-Track and Cr02 Cassette, with a rare music video on Beta-Max. These lost recordings, as it were, were funded by a grant from the Chef Ron Kitchen Foundation, and a subsidy from the Arthur J. Dhanagom Memorial Fund.

Tracks were not the only thing cast away from this controversial and multi-stage CD release. The original album cover was slated to feature a glamor shot of the Notorious-yet-Illustrious E. Noelle Black, the royalties for which were projecting her to be shot into the Fortune 500 financial realm of the money-marketing Soprano-rival, Mizz M. Eileen Beller. However, the original financial investment needed to back the complete photo shoot from Shenandoah Shores One-Stop Convenience Store Syndicate had the bottom completely fall out of it; by the time of the new album's release, they had not yet found it, so the preliminary photo shoots only fruit, this photograph below, was left off the cover.

(Photograph not altered in any way.)

Despite all these confused events surrounding the CD's development, it has been hailed as a widespread success, with millions of free copies distributed world wide, and more due to be donated next year. "I sincerely hope," said marketing expert Emma Fritcher, "that by next June we will have printed and shipped out more than 3 million copies of the recent album, which only yesterday received its own Library of Congress Catalog Card Number."

More Tragedy Than A Dickens Novel...

Such was the life of Mary Beth Baker.

But moving on...

Part .311 in a Three Part Series On Lizzie Black!

It was after several sailing expeditions circumnavigravigadgetating the globe that the Blacks landed in Puerto Rico. After several hours of hard bargaining and much shouting, most of the Blacks were sold to some plantation owners on the west side of the Island. Meanwhile, the white Blacks avoided all this by taking berth on a different ship. They came from merry Old England across the Indian Ocean straight into New York harbor, very glad to leave Moscow behind. After saluting the Statue of Liberty, their ship weighed its anchor, and finding it to be heavy enough, dropped it once again into the harbor, and as the stevedores gave a good old heave-ho to tote the womenfolks' hatboxes and clothes chests ashore, Mr. Black was personally greeted by Peter Stuyvesant, who expressed his misgivings about buying Manhattan for a box of beads and trinkets, feeling the Indians had gotten the better end of the deal. Little Lizzie stared up at the two men talking with her large dark eyes, sparkling with mischief, and well, she just stared vacuously as she stood there on the dock cradled in her mothers arms, trying to losen the choke collar with which she had been retro-fitted for good measure.

After pulling her parents in a dog cart to their new plot of land in Michigan (which Mr. Black had staked out and claimed during the Oklahoma Land Rush, being completely disoriented), Little Lizzie decided she liked Michigan well enough, and was happy to be there.

Now let's fast forward ahead to when Lizzie was three.... 1982...

Lizzie learned her first little tune, and tried to sing, but in vain. She would slowly get the hang of it, no doubt, but for now, her parents put her out in the yard to scare away the birds with her singing, and also gave her a digital camera to play with, but I can't end a sentence with a preposition, so I'll end this sentence now.

Little Lizzie Dreams of Leading an Alto Section and Crushing
them to death, one at a time, with a "hug of peace."

This was a crucial stage in the development of what some later and more optimistic observers would call Lizzie's "mind." Sum sae that she lost her marbles at an early age, probably taken by her parents so that she wouldn't swallow them by accident. No matter what your theory, there can definitely be no doubt that Little Lizzie was influenced by the fall of the Iron Curtain, and didn't like it very much. No one really knew how Lizzie felt about the Communists til she learned what spray paint was...



Though her childhood passed quickly, and may have seemed like a flash in the pants, it apparently had a big impact on the girl who later ascended to power like none other before her, except Catherine the Great, Queen Isabella of Spain, Elizabeth I and II of England, Bloody Mary Tudor, her mother Catherine Four Door, and well anyway.... let's just say Miss Black's likes hadn't been seen since Margie Thatcher, and that gives us a window of a few years at least.

Here we have a totally unrelated picture.

Alas! The question of this newsreporter is what happened in Miss Elizabeth Noelle Black's childhood that resulted in what this Three Part Series has already been investigating in part, and which shall not even be attempted to be named or labeled or any otherwiseway detailed, but I shall submit simply this photo, and let you, the reader, see what I am talking about:

(The flaming horns were not painted into the photograph, honest!)

Deep in the Heart of Texas...

From Reporter M. Dietrich, Tx.


08/31/2006:

A dinner and reception were held in honor of Mr. David Kinchen, altar boy at Annunciation Catholic Church in Houston, Texas for 14 years, this evening, whereat he officialy announced his retirement from cassock and surplice.

A delicious serving of fajitas and cranberry sauce were served, as were people, and common folk and dignitaries alike were treated to a long-winded speech by Mr. Kinchen, as he reflected on his years of service, and his prognosis on the future of electric cars in the third world, as he spoke in the lobby of the East End Worker Development Center in Houston. "I remember one Sunday in particular," said Mr. Kinchen, but as to what he was referring the reporter failed to catch, as he unintentionally received a cell phone call and had to leave hurriedly for a short time, after which he left in less of a hurry.














"Our intentions are clear as for the safety of our country, and our people," responded Olmert. "No matter what picture of the situation between Israel and Hezbollah is shown by Reuters and CNN on television and in the papers, we will prevail against the threats of Iran and Syria, and the unjust demands of Kofi Annan."

Both young and old turned out to hear Mr. Kinchen and congratulate him, and some high-profile people were in attendance as well, including the mayors of Illegalsville and Asleepatchawheel, Nay Reagan and Will Bite.

Mr. Kinchen declined a request by Pope John XXIV to attend, absolving him from the needlessness to travel from Walla Walla.


He also acknowledged unenthusiastically a plaque congratulating his service from Sheila Jackson-Lee. Annunciation Catholic Church was built in 1869, and has been a parish in what is now the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston ever since. Mr. Kinchen did not comment on during which fourteen years of the parish's history he had been serving Mass.

"I will miss with fondness wielding the communion paten, ringing the bells, especially craning my neck and wondering when the Hanc Igitur was going to take place," related Kinchen to a milling horde. He also recalled when Gannon Leonard dropped the wine cruet in the chalice after Communion one Sunday. "It made a funny sound, and Monsignor made less of a funny face," recalled Mr. Kinchen with a smile. A special moment came when David's OLDest sister
offered a toast towards his health and prosperity, and opined loudly that "Jonathan" should "come back" home "from Virginia" and "Chrysostom."


A salutatory requiem will be said at an undisclosed date at an unidentified location. Details were not available at press time.

In lieu of gifts, memorial donations may be made to the Solomon Road Mass Transit Authority League, Miss Christina Kinchen, Treasurer. She also accepts flowers.

Dancing Makes Me Thirsty

The Choir Is My Empire: Part II, "Red October and The Beginning of The End"

A Candid shot of Miss E. N. Black taken from inside the St. Lawrence Commons. She had already shot and killed two previous cameramen with her deadly good looks when they attempted to approach and take pictures of her from the front.

DARTH VADER, STEP ASIDE:

Like a shark that tastes blood, the Children's Choir Catastrophe whetted Elizabeth Noelle Black's hunger for power. While she tried to form her siblings into her own personal Praetorian Guard, most of her attempts failed, so she contented herself with dictating the lives of chickens by moving their pen about the yard, particularly into areas with ant beds.

Years passed, and Lizzie grew up, well at least in the sense of getting taller. Ever the tyrant, Lizzie forced her siblings to complete her homework assignments and graduate her from highschool, but she soon learned that the key to being an effective Queen, or Tsarina, lay in subtlety. As it was, her methods, though partially successful, fell flat on their faces; everyone around her--except the chickens--realized what she was up to. So frightened were they of Lizzie's efforts to control all around her that three priests put their heads together and attempted to exorcise Lizzie while she sat at the dinner table, insisting the entrees be passed around the table clockwise. Meanwhile, Four deacons got together in the barn and tried very hard to say a Mass, but despite their best efforts, it was declared invalid by Pope John XXIV, in the Vatican of Montana.

After attempting to excommunicate Pope John XXIV, Lizzie prepared for college, and suddenly, to the shock of her acquaintences, appeared to have abandoned any and all attempts to seize any sort of power, altogether. Yet, other thoughts brewed beneath her dark, curly, girly, swirly, but not burly, crown...

TACTICS AND STRATEGERY:

It came to her one night while reading The Rise and Fall of Charles Dickens: The Didactic Tactics of Catherine II of Russia. Lizzie realized that she must approach her goals of power in a totally new way, and that it was very important to be noticed first as a peer, and then climb the ladder of opportunity when it falls from the overpassing Zeppelin of Fate. To accomplish the first part of her task, Lizzie arrived at her new college with her wrist in a prefabricated cast of her own design. She also developed a very plausible story explaining it, except that story had one fatal flaw: as often as she told of herself riding a bike, no one had ever seen her ride a bicycle. Even so, this is not near tell tale as the fact that multiple eye-witnesses from her freshman year have attested to the fact that her cast randomly changed arms.

"I distinctly recall shaking her hand when she introduced herself to me as the most important girl to ever register at Christendom College," recalled Walter Janaro. "There was a bit of an awkward moment because her cast was on the hand with which she attempted to shake mine."

Yet only three days later, during a dance, then senior Tom Cole recalled, "It was so strange to have her casted wrist perched on my right shoulder as we danced. I kept seeing it out of the corner of my eye and thinking it was either a sock puppet or my conscience in the form of a good angel dressed in white. Of course, that is not to say that in reality it wasn't the hand of an angel on my shoulder after all, but I only thought that because I hadn't gotten to know Lizzie very well, but I would see her all too often hanging out with disreputable folk in the dingy foyer of St. Pius."

Nonetheless, her ploys worked. Lizzie had gained the admiration, recognition, and sympathy of her peers. Now all that was lacking was a Zeppelin dropping ladders...

THE CHOIR:

The ladder fell after a full two years in college, in a venue all too familiar with Miss Black, the Choir. Once again Dr. Poterack was its director, once again, there were unruly girls, and once again, she was ready to wield the chain of command, and strike her fellow choristers with it.

An anonymous bass was, unbeknownst to himself, piloting Lizzie's Zeppelin right into the Chapel Crypt. Recognizing his own limitations and that of his entire section, he put forth an idea to the Direktor in a secret conference which took place behind closed doors. Impressed with, and proud of, his intelligent bass, Dr. Poterack considered, amended, and implemented the bass's suggestion while pre-posthumously awarding him the knight's cross with hemlock leaves.

AS THE LEAVES TURNED BLOODY RED; OCTOBER 2005:

Not long after his pleasant interview with Dr. Poterack, the anonymous bass (we will refer to him as The Black Fox) told Draper Warren (aka. John Wayne) and Elizabeth Black of his meeting, over dinner. Lizzie could not believe her ears; the ladder of opportunity had finally arrived, only it was more like an escalator! Unable to restrain herself, she blurted out, "I shall use my power to hire bouncers and oppress my entire section!" The table suddenly grew quiet. John Wayne and The Black Fox stared silently and wide-eyed at Lizzie. The stillness was only broken by some grease dripping from the sloppy Joe in The Black Fox's hand. Suddenly all became clear, and the whole world of catastrophe that awaited the choir presented itself to Draper and the Fox, who jumped away from the table shrieking with all their might.

^A Bouncer.

Ever religious, Lizzie Blackmailed Dr. Poterack into giving her the alto section leader position, (Only she knew of his secret plans to burn the Wallflower, which she overheard while pressing an upside down cup to the telephone line to Dr. Poterack's office, while Dr. Poterack listened to a voicemail from himself reminding him to burn the Wallflower, which he has only recently done, while framing students for its destruction.) and opened her first meeting with the altos thus: "Dr. Poterack whipped you with whips, but I shall whip you with Scorpions! Well, as soon as I get my sidekick to import some from Texas."

Alarmed by these developments, the other section leaders supplicated Dr. Poterack to devise a defense plan. Frightened by what may come next, two of the section leaders fled by graduating. Interested in what Dr. Poterack plans to implement in order to safeguard his position as Direktor of the Khoir, we put the question to him directly:

Reporter: "Have you thought of putting any checks in place to make sure Miss Black
doesn't oppress the members of her section?"

KP: "Actually it all depends on how I feel about the other members of the
alto section. I may WANT her to opress them. But then again, maybe not.
I'll have to think about it."

Reporter: "Are there any security measures in place to make sure Miss Black does not attempt to take over more of the choir, or perhaps even attempt a coup d' etat and overthrow you as choir director? "

KP: "This I have prepared for. Do you know that Jackie Kennedy/Reese Witherspoon 'pretty in pink' outfit that Emma wears? Under the guise of 'completing the ensemble' I will get her a pair of white gloves and a pill box hat which in actuality will have a radio transmitter in it that will send calming waves in Lizzie's direction, thus mittigating her more aggressive moods. This should do the trick. "

So stands the fate of the Christendom College Choir. At least for now...

Miss Black plans her next move. Let's hope it's not Checkmate.

Books of the Children, for the Children, but not by the Children.

Emma Fritcher.

A simple name, but unique; and hidden within is a world of miser.. I mean mystery and multifacetedultudinous which overwhelms most human minds, and fries others to a crisp. Yet, it is the name which all the children sitting Indian-style on the floor are crying and screaming and begging, in between puffs on the peace pipe. It has indeed been a surprise to the publishing industry at the wholesale destructi... distribution brought on by her books; but it is no surprise to the little ones. I say it comes as no suprise to most children, because most children were not surprised by this particular suprise of surprises, not knowing either previous nor present publishing figures for books of the past or of other.

Irregardless of her rivals, Miss Fritcher has quickly risen to the top of the children's book industry, with each of her publications having a higher record of sales than any previous publication, except the Bible, and Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events.

Nonetheless, her profusility continues, and there as of yet seems to be no end to the dexterity of her typing fingers as they produce volume after volume of ingenious children novela.

Some of her past works include such works as, among other works, The Chronicles of Me: Defiant, Not Getting Hitched, and Need a New Wardrobe. This insiteful tome appeals to children, particularly young girls, across the globe, and is translated into 17 other languages, including Romanian; sales continue to go through the roof, despite the fact that this work was aimed primarily at the Female student body of a rural college in VA, offering insightful pointers on vocations, dating, singing, sewing, crocheting, cooking, baking, moneymarketing (with a special section for which Miss Meghan Beller was consulted), laundrying, vacuuming, painting, dishwashing, welding, skiing, skeet-shooting, and diaper changing. No matter its targeted market, this particular publishing of Miss Fritcher's is typical in its versatility and popularity.

She is currently working on a road atlas and cookbook for Hindoos.

We asked Miss Fritcher in a candid interview about her life's work, and in particular asked her what her secret was, to which she replied, looking off into the distance:


"I am not really certain. I feel a special connection with the past, almost as if I've been reincarnated. Has it ever occurred to you how tragic it is to lose one's youth, and to lose touch with your childhood? That is why I write children's books; I feel I am part of a special labor commune with children across the globe, and across time. My books are the bonds which connect us. I think from my first work, Wear the Red-Burnt Clothes, I established that connection with the children of the ages, and from that connection I've subconciously drawn my inspiration."

An Apology

Dear Readers,

I, the Editor, wish to convey to you our sinseared bobdolences on the absence of anything knew within the passed multitudinous multiplicty of days. The entire staff has been extremely bizzie, and I myself have not spent my time unworthwhileidly. A subject so important, so intense, and so important and intense came up that I myself decided to go and investigate it. And there have I been, but back am I now. The news has not stopped, and likely won't even if the world stopped spinning, for that also would be news. Though the frequency of this publication may dwindle into the winter months as college semesters begin and our readers become busier, the news must be reported. And it shall bee. A Three-Part Series on Lizzie Black would not be a Three-Part Series on Lizzie Black (oh drat I could've copied and pasted) without the other two parts joining the first which has been published. Which they shall bee. Most of our research and copyright royalties have been taken care of. However, we are still tying up a few lost ends, and they are very good ones too. In the meantime, please indulge in the article below!

~The Editor

The "Real World" Hits Christendom

Debates with the bishop on Liturgical norms are no longer the main concern at Christendom College, as plans revealing the proposed "Chapel of Community," a round cylindrical structure, were unveiled last week. "Students may sit in the round amphitheater-like seating, see and wave at each other, which fosters a sense of community, emphasizing our part in the Communion of Saints. The sanctuary is down in the central part, which allows everyone to see the celebration clearly, but still retains the Christendom tradition of keeping the sanctuary separate and distinct from the nave," Fr. Heisler told reporters. The other chaplain stated that, "I'm just glad they put a safety net over the sanctuary, so freshman won't throw litter down at me during the homily." Fr. Heisler quickly rejoined that, "The homily and readings will not be shouted from down in the sanctuary, but will be read at the same level as the congregation, from a hyrdaulic pulpit which rises up to the amphitheatre at the press of a button. It's really cool." The new chapel also features a retractable roof and a helipad to accomodate his excellency's new Liturgical Interdiction Squad helicopter.

Students are reaching outside of the bubble and "getting in touch" with the rest of the world by bringing part of that world to the college. Students began by indulging in the mundane activities of the secular college campus, such as wearing the newest fashions and trends in clothing, watching more TV and finding ways to sneak in video games, orchestrating public protests, searching for employment before graduation, making parties a priority over studying, reading less of the Summa and more of People Magazine, and last but not least, eating out rather than going to the cafeteria, just as the three Magi used to do. Who are the ring-leaders who brought these modern day trends to Christendom College? Well, so far we can only distinguish a few...

Who doesn't know Mr. I. B. Patriotic? He is perhaps the most America-loving student, purpotedly willing to give up his college education in trade for one of George Washington's fabled wooden toothies. When the editor received this picture of Mr. Patriotic protesting with an upside-down American flag, he fell asleep from boredom. When passed down to this reporter, however, there were some doubts about this man's patrioterorrism. Asked about the reasons for his public protest he said "I don't nohow nuther support an America of the States United that sits by and watches those devil dudes attacking our Israeli friends. We got nukes; why can't I have one? 2nd Amendment Man. It'd solve all our Middle East problems if there was no Middle East! We should be in there blowing those sons of Shriners to kingdom come." Nothing like a good protest to liven the campus up.

Our next example of the real world coming to Christendom is a bit more bizarre (if you can imagine that). A large proportion of New Agers believe they are capable of speaking to animals. Often in parks, or along the rosary path, you will see young men and women sitting by themselves in pairs looking intently at a passing squirrel or deer as you pass by, when the moment you rounded the bend, you could've sworn they had been holding hands. Sometimes, if you scare the animal away the man or woman turns and gives you a look that seems to say "how dare you interrupt my conversation with the furry creatures." That's when you stare back with a look of "My favorite dish is stuffed squirrel with a side of hashed cottontail." Unfortunately, this part of the world has found its way into the hearts and minds of several Christendom students. When we asked one girl who was talking to a fish why she was talking to a fish she responded; "Well, I love animals and they love me back! I was just trying to be a friend because he looked lonely in the tiny little fishbowl." Not wanting to be rude, we let them return to their conversation with three fish, wondering which one was the lonely one...

The Academy News is concerned that the lass just mentioned may be involved with bringing other, more unwanted, aspects of the world to campus, such as the recent rise of townies found on campus, and the return of fishing and bathing Mexicans at the dam, an activity she is rather fond of. This is purely speculation, though, and such things drive the price of oil high.

Just how much more of the world will we see inside the Christendom bubble? Can Christendom handle it? Will the students fight back? Will the administration realize what's going on soon enough to put a stop to it or will there be a repeat of the storming of the Bastille with the storming of Regina Coeli? Why is there only one TV on campus for guys to use? When will they get a second TV? Is a third too much to ask? I missed the Miss America pageant last time? Can there be a Miss Christendom pageant? Is St. Kevin's worth anything or should it be burned to the ground, with all inhabitants inside? Is the cafeteria's roast beef actually considered meat, or can they serve it on Fridays? Who are the main culprits behind this "invasion of the world" into the bubble?

I, the Fonz, vow to delve into these issues and bring you, the readers, not the Fonz, the answers to these questions.

Breaking News on Christendom Convict

Academy News just received confirmation that the notorious Christendom ex-convict (featured on August 6th) is guilty of much more than mere robbery. It appears that President Seamus O'Kielty neglected to inform us of one of the more bizarre and gruesome crimes of the recent graduate.

It is common knowledge in Catholic circles that many Christendomites have a strong attachment to tradition. College officials readily admit that a number of students long for a return to medieval times, when Church and state were more closely linked. These students are also fascinated with medieval weapons and warfare, and a few even bear scars from friendly sparring events. Two of these students seem to have gotten a little carried away.

In a Hundred Years War reenactment that took place last September, the Christendom ex-convict allegedly mistook her French opponents for Muslim invaders. The suspect claims she believed herself to be a crusader. In any event, the French were routed in a matter of minutes. With the help of an unidentified friend, the "Christendom Con" - as she is now known - littered the battlefield with corpses.



The audience was awestruck by the realism of the battle, and spectators did not notice that anything was amiss until birds began circling a few hours later. Back at the college, students gathered for a mandatory Holy Hour to pray for the souls of the innocent French pretenders. Shortly afterwards the student body gave their convict a hero's welcome, complete with flowers, song, dance, and drink. Police are still trying to locate the Christendom Con's accomplice, and a small reward is offered for any information that leads to his arrest.

SAC On the Move

Student Activities Council has chartered a new band for Christendom Dances. There will be more info on it later; this is breaking news!

Ex-Con Leaves Christendom

In a press release airing tomorrow, President of Christendom College, Seamus O'Kielty told reporters that:

"Never before have we seen such a scandal at Christendom. We are going to be certain it doesn't ever happen again. Sometimes it is just hard to tell. She seemed so innocent, and her good looks deceived us. Then one day we received an anonymous 32-bit RGB color fax. Uncertain how this could happen, we ignored it for two years until only recently we realized who was in the picture, but by then they had already graduated and left this area."

Further along in his statement, President O'Kielty enumerated some of this student's past criminal activities:

After robbing a bank in New Hampshire, she ran a red light in a black Blazer and was broadsided--totaling the vehicle--during her freshman year.

After robbing a bank in Washington D.C., and fleeing north with an accomplice, the suspect rear-ended an eighteen wheeler while trying to escape police in a high speed chase which totalled her Windstar van, during her sophomore year.

She also:

Starred in a rap group with Mary Germann.

Painted the Rock in Irish colors.

Burned the Wallflower.

For several years, used a New Hampshire grocery store's deli counter as a front for a branch of the black market, where she laundered stolen money. And raw meat.

Also while she worked at this grocery store and in the kitchen at Christendom College, she embezzled vegetables, both fresh and canned, then surrepticiously dumped them into a nearby river at night.

These are but some of the highlights from the President's list. However, we were able to obtain a copy of the fax the college had received two years ago, and have published it here:

Rodent's Revenge

Academy News has just received word that an unusually large concentration of rats has been discovered in our nation's capital. These large rodents have been seen loitering in DC streets during night hours. This photo was taken by an Academy agent who infiltrated one of the more notorious rat packs. We're not supposed to give out his name, but fan mail can be sent to justinlargen@yahoo.com. Also, if you call 911-357-2829, we'll send you his home address for a nominal fee.

Regarding the size of the rat infestation, we spoke with several Diplomatic Security Service (DSS) Officers who frequently conduct night patrols around State Department facilities. "Do you see many rats," we asked. The common response was simply, "This place be full of big rats yo...they be tastin' real good too dog!"*

DC police believe the rat gangs are largely responsible for the recent increase in homicides throughout the region. The rats are said to disapprove of firearms, however, opting to kill in a more humane way. Oddly, some of the rats are also believed to enjoy an occasional swim in the Potomac while intoxicated. The DC Police Dept. was kind enough to provide us with mug shots of the largest rats, which we then scanned into a new piece of software that converts rough sketches into three dimensional photographs. The police confiscated our machine, but not before we retrieved this image.

[Viewer discretion is advised]



We strongly urge all citizens in DC, Maryland, and Northern Virginia to be on the lookout for these two suspects. They are believed to be unarmed and dangerous. If you see either of the rats, please contact us immediately. We have a decontamination team standing by. Whatever you do, though, don't panic. Neither of them looks very intelligent.



*This quote was translated into plain english since DSS security officers have notorious and unpublishable language. ~The Editor

Survey Says: Older Women More Mature Than Younger Women

Front Royal, VA-

There seems to be a growing trend among new and used Christendom students. When we heard that Maria Ruhl and John Mercandetti (whom some claim bears an uncanny resemblance to Mike Baggot and may be his long lost brother) were dating we thought it interesting, if not exciting, if not a cause for celebration, if not a good excuse to get drunk at the River. When we heard of Maria Newton and Matt Mazzocco dating, though, we knew that there was a story.

In order to try to understand this growing trend, we went to Mr. Wurtz,* and asked him for his comments.

INTERVIEWER: Mr. Wurtz, what are you comments?
WURTZ: My job ain't all rocket science you know.
INTERVIEWER: What is your opinion of freshmen men dating senior women?
WURTZ: Well I don’t know much about dating, but I do know this; computer games is the devil!
INTERVIEWER: Don’t you mean “are,” sir?
WURTZ: What?
INTERVIEWER: Don’t you mean “computer games are the devil"?
WURTZ: That’s what I said.
INTERVIEWER: No, you said “computer games is the devil.”
WURTZ: Listen here, I recommend you re-take that freshmen grammar test, because “computer games is the devil” is all wrong.
INTERVIEWER: But I didn’t say it wrong, you did.
WURTZ: You just did! I heard you!
INTERVIEWER: No, I said that you said “computer games is the devil.” I was only repeating your words.
WURTZ: What? Gar! Three Cheers for a funeral of Pirates!

That's when my pencil broke and I had to leave, since I could not find another. (So I said.)

Instead of taking the interview to Dr. O’Donnell about his thoughts on the matter, we went straight to the source (not sure of what) and spoke with Mr. Mazzococoa. When asked what his reasons behind dating a graduating senior were, he replied; “Simply because of the fact that dating a graduating girl was the most reasonable choice. I mean, when you look at a girl that’s graduating you can tell that she’s got it together; you can more easily picture her being a wife and mommy. She’s already gone through all those “growing up” stages that girls in my class just haven’t gone through. Think about it; what guy in their right mind would be crazy enough to date one of those wacko top floor Campion girls? Besides Maria was valedictorian and would look good in a yarmulke.”

He certainly has a point. There is little doubt that with intelligent, practical, and romantic men like John and Matt coming to Christendom we haven’t seen the last of freshmen men dating senior women.

Work that iron, Maria.

*Editor's Note: This may or may not be the same Mr. Wurtz who is the Dean of Student Life at CC. Chances are, the interviewer got the wrong guy. His report states that this Mr. Wurtz was living in an abandoned jail near Woodstock.

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This is a special report intended primarily for Fraulein Landtanzer and Miss Mulhern.

The Editor writes:

Dear Mademoiselles,

Do not underestimate the power of the press. We reach far and wide. Just a warning.

~The Editor

The Choir Is My Empire: Part I, "Modest Beginnings"

THIS is Lizzie Black.

She looks innocent enough. And so she did ever since that fateful day in 1976, that day that will go down in history as her birthday... but all was not as it appeared.

ADA, MICHIGAN- The Academy News has deemed it worthy of that thing, the news, to bring you this story, the story of power, of greed, and revenge which has and may further change our world forevermore...

Naturally, of all natural things such as vitamin E and beta carotene, we decided to go to the source, and interviewed none other than Mr. Black himself:

"I'd have to say she was an adorable child, but kinda bratty. I mean, you know, we didn't know at first it would be like this, but she was the oldest of alot, and that means the power went to her head. Nonetheless she wasn't really vicious about it, I didn't think, well not until she made her younger brother Michael eat a squirrel's left rear leg's big toe fried in soy sauce. Then I began to wonder, to even grow concerned you might say."

Dr. Poterack of course was interviewed concerning his first contact with Lizzie, in a REAL interview:

KP: "I first met Lizzie through her father with whom I became friends. She was 11-years old at the time and sang in a childrens choir I organized. Some of the other children were such brats that I put her in charge of keeping them in line--and THAT was her first taste of choral power!"

And it wouldn't be her last....

Stay tuned for Part II!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP STORY

Maybe you thought it was bad. Perhaps you thought it couldn't get worse. Then again, maybe you heard about the new rule (this is for real) which bans computer games from being played privately in dorm rooms at Christendom, but requires they be played in the common areas. Seriously, it is in the new handbook, which you can find online at Christendom.edu.

Yet, it's not over. It's far from over. In an Academy Exclusive, we sent in a team of reporters to see what all is going on in the student life office, and now we have a comprehensive report for you to see. Look out returning and incoming students!

IT'S ALL ABOUT CHANGE:

"We were thinking, you know things sometimes get out of hand around here, you know like when Grant Freeman threw that computer from the balcony on the side of Coeli, so we're completely rethinking student life and conduct for this campus." - anonymous dean.

"It seemed important to start with the RA's and Proctors. Thank Justin Largen for this one, from when he lived in Pius with Tom Cole as his Proctor. We will be issuing a uniform and some field equipment to help RA's and Proctors enforce rules, like no smoking in front of the Commons, or remember last year when those kids wouldn't get out of the fountain at Italian Night even when the head RA told them to? Well they'll listen now. We have a former freshman modeling the new uniform today for the board, let me get her so you can see."

This actually might seem a small step after RA's like N.C. and K.F., but that is only the tip of the iceberg. There are many other reforms going on at Christendom, and while some faculty fear we are going to lose large numbers to Magdalen, other members of the staff feel these are key things to promote virtue and foster community.

Mirrors To Be Removed From Girls' Dorms

"Vanity, thy name is Woman." We refer you to Lizzie Black's personal full length mirror. It seems apparent that one of the detriments to campus life is the fact that girls can never do anything with guys more than half the time they're asked. All guys have experienced this. "I'm busy, I have to do school, I have to go to so and so's b-day party." Usually, none of this is true. They're simply spending time in front of the mirror. "Trust us," said one of the maintenance workers. "We placed pressure sensitive plates under the carpet of several girls' dorm rooms, and they have indicated to us that girls, and not just one, but often groups, stand in front of the mirror for hours on end. Sometimes they even miss meals because of it." - Dane Weber, psychology expert at The Academy.

Dating Couples Not Allowed To Dance

"We want to promote community, and we feel part of this is changing the way things work at dances, but will extend to guy-girl relationships across the board. This rule has two ends: The first and most important is to keep a boyfriend from using the excuse he has to dance with his girlfriend as a means to not dance with any other girls. Secondly, we want our students to be sure of their matches. We've had too many break-ups, even in engagements. This new rule will force dating individuals to dance with others and hopefully force them to consider the options more thoroughly."
~Not sure who said that.

The River Is Closed

"It has been and is illegal, anyway you look at it, and a liability. But on the practical level, I say to you, who wants to dance with someone who is drunk?"- Paul Almeter

Girls Must Be Spaced At Dances

"Guys will never mix and dance with a variety of girls at a dance when the girls bunch up all the time. Nothing is more intimidating, and downright frightening. If he braves the masses and approaches a girl of their number, he feels as if all the other girls are eyeing him and thinking one of two things: he likes her, or why didn't he ask me? But that is only if a guy has the courage to advance on such a formidable obstacle. Usually they don't. Girls must mix in liberally with the guys standing around and carry on conversation, not stare at the dance floor. Chit chat breaks the ice and leads to an enjoyable dance. Standing in groups like cattle waiting for hay only frightens the guys away." -Larry Henson, dance teacher.

New Dress Code For Women

"We want girl/guy friendships, and ultimately dating relationships to stem from personality and character and to not be based on looks. That is why Dr. Fahey and I have come up with two options to make girls unattractive on the physical level," said Dr. Cuddeback. "Girls' dresscode now consists of two elements," said the new deanette, "they may either choose the Burkha option with potato sack or menswear. Both are guaranteed to force guys to choose their girl acquaintances based on personality and character, as there will be no looks."

Girls May Not Dance With Other Girls

"Like bunching in groups along the side, there is nothing as disconcerting to guys as girls dancing with each other, and hurts even those of us guys who want to and try to dance alot," Dan Henson relates. Kyle Miller elaborates on this problem: "You can never know when there is good music to be played at a dance, so you have to wait for the beginning of the song before you ask. All too often it has happened to me that I want to dance with a given girl, and once the song starts and it is good, I have to push through a gang of guys then walk from one end of a herd of girls to the other, and while I'm say, halfway down the line of girls, the one I was going for jumps out on the floor with one or two other girls and starts hopping around like a clown. And I was only six feet away! And now I'm stranded in front of a line of girls. This only ever leaves me one option since I'm not prepared to ask someone else, and that is to freestyle, on the spot."

East vs. West Game No More

"This does not promote community, but creates rivalries and fanaticism. People won't talk to each other from opposite sides, and some paint themselves with lead-based paints which shorten the life span. Besides, the West is always going to win, it's just that simple," Dr. O'Donnell told reporters.

Girls Are Not Allowed To Cuddle

"Most girls flee to the arms of other girls for comfort in time of stress or heartbreak. We're trying to drive them into the arms of guys, dating or available. This will shake up the entire factionalism, which combined with the new girl dresscode, will be like a blender of community unity. Moreover, if this is done in a public place, we can increase the revenues that RDA rules bring us." - Lou Massett

No More LSD

"How many times have one of the girls come back to Campion from the Chapel late at night, and been frightened out of their wits by this sight in the common room. We've got to ban LSD, plain and simple. " - Mr. O'Herron

Stricter Ban On Pets

"Despite the rules it seems that some people are intent on breaking them no matter what. That is why we have banned any non-human life form on campus, except for plants. And it doesn't matter if your pet wears human clothes or has a doctorate."- Dr. Kelly

Snipers

Finally, the college has placed a ban on all snipers except for one, who is to enforce new policies against drinking along the river, starting this fall.

Online Lottery For Christendom Students!

Check this out: www.ChristendomOnline.com! It's a place where prospective, current, or former students of Christendom College can enter multiple raffle drawings for all sorts of cash prizes! You can also chat with other Christendom folk on the message board, ask for prayers, dance for rain, debate various topics with charity, and slug it out over the Wallflower!!!!!!

(Picture taken after the Burning)

Dr. Poterack On Gardening

As promised, The Academy News has brought you an exclusive and authentic--for those of you who seem to have a hard time catching on that these interviews with Dr. Poterack are real, as if anything on our Newspage wasn't--interview on gardening with one of our greatest and most prominent of celebrities and great thinkers, Dr. Kurt Poterack.



Reporter: Dr. Poterack, what do you think of Gardening? Should flowers be watered?

KP: Well, I suppose that as a choir director I am a gardener of sorts,
the sopranos and altos being the prettiest of my flowers (especially
Meghan Beller--with or without an "h"!). They also are very delicate and
need special care which brings us to the next question.

Reporter: Should flowers be watered?

KP: Yes, I have to "shower" them with attention,
praise and concern and . . . and . . . I'm running out of corny
metaphors. Can we stop now, I have work to do.

Reporter: Oh, look, what's that out the window! I have to go! Thank you for your time Dr. Poterack, I'm sorry I have to leave so suddenly! We'll send you your check as soon as we can.