BREAKING NEWS: JUSTIN LARGEN IS ADOPTED!

This was Justin's reaction when he found out.

That's what you get for messing around in the comments section, "man."

Parlay Voo French?

Headlines being what they are-tools to attract attention-the one for this article?

Yes, we know that was an incomplete sentence.

RECENTLY, in a neighboring publication, the following excerpt appeared:

"From Kentucky, Meghan, Jonathan, Justin and I headed off to Fort Wayne, Indiana to visit Kelly at her new house. We attended Mass on Sunday morning at a beautiful cathedral in the area, called the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception. For some reason the guys decided to adhere to Christendom tradition, and sat apart from us girls at Mass. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that."

Well, we here at the Academy would certainly not let this interesting angle slip by, so naturally, we have conducted an in-depth investigation on this matter. Comprehensiveness is the name of the game with the blame on the dame in the Seine with the cellophane in the rain, and as such, our report surely left no stone unturned. First off, we asked Meghan what she thought: "I was so enraptured by the cantor's singing I didn't even notice the guys weren't around, being flanked by girls on either side anyway." When interviewing Miss Fogarty, we found that it would be better to paraphrase her many statements, which we have done thus: "I was sorely distressed!"
But what of the young men? How were the fates sealed? "Mesmerized by the Baptismal swimming pool with fountain, I became completely disoriented," recalled a sun-burned Justin Largen. "All I could think of was, why do they tempt me this way? The A/C was out and there was this bubbling pool right there. I mean it was RIGHT THERE!" Less enthusiastic, Mr. Dittert commented, "Well, it was my idea, and it turned out to be a bad one, cause this chica sat right in front of us and she was not dressed for church, or any other place, and so I felt like I couldn't even look down in the pew for fear of seeing her. I wish I had sat next to Mary after all." Mr. Largen expanded upon this by saying, "It was the rainstorm that did it. We got lost." We then interviewed the assistant priest of that parish, who told us, "Greetings, young people," and then jumped into his batmobile and and fled the scene.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Recently the comments department received this message from "A concerned reader."

I think you might cut back on the misplaced modifiers a bit! Dr. Rice would not be pleased, nor would he or Mrs. Rice refer to a single person as "they." Otherwise, very absurd and funny. Keep it up. :)

ACADEMY respondit:

Dear Concerned Reader,

I originally was not going to publish your comment due to its foolish and snobbish nature, but I have now decided to publish it and respond as follows:

Dear Sir or Madman,

It is fairly obvious from any rational perusal of our archives that we pride ourself on writing not so correctly because we already know how to write extremely well, and it is very boring for news such as ours. However, I assure ewe, we do not spend more time messingu p are grammer simply becausei twould maek it lez lejibble and hendur zee flough uv zee arktickles.

Thank you for your concern.

Now Bye Bye.

(Letters to the Editor are always welcome. You may leave them as a comment or email us.)

$5000 REWARD: DEAD OR ALIVE

The Academy News is offering a reward to anyone who can provide information concerning or leading to the capture of one "Carrie Windecker." Miss Windecker emailed the News begging response but unfortunately failed to provide us a way to respond, as her reply-to email is defunct.

When You Hoped There Was Only One...

(We in no way altered this photo.)

Frantic that one Nazi RA (Restriction Arbiter) would be lost forever, and rampant miscreant activity would soar through the roof, the Deanette of Students secretly cloned one of the chur- girl's fiercest authority figures, also known as Oppressor Of Anything Fun And Interesting And Collegie, for short. A secret undertaking, the leak that provided us with this tell-tale photograph has since had their name added to the monument of Lost Freshmen along the path to the river. A wee bit dubious, we questioned several college officials concerning the matter. Timmy O'D. stated that, "Cloning!? Are you crazy? That is impossible. Miss Fogarty loves Christendom and wished to expand her collection of majors, and will be with us a while longer." When asked about our source's name being added to the Lost Freshmen monument, Dr. Rice replied, "_____ got lost in the woods during a reenactment of Beowulf, they were playing Grendel, and accidentally fled into a deep ravine." Dr. Snyder responded to our inquiries concerning the RA thus: "Oh, her! Well unfortunately it would seem she failed several courses, so she has to stay here for a bit longer. But you know, that's ok, because we love her mone- I mean she is a valuable family member of our campus." Catching Mrs. Rice on an evening walk, she replied boisterously to our question concerning the sudden disappearance of our source: "They wandered in the woods, and a tree fell on them, or a beaver ate their leg, I forget which. Go Teen Girl Squad!" Found going through a vaccuum cleaner bag on the top floor of Catherine's, we asked the Deanette about her alleged cloning, but she responded rather impatiently: "Go away! I must find a hair from the girl who lived here, or my whole plan is lost!" Not sure what to make of that, we put the whole issue before the Registrar, who looked at his desk, then up at us, and said cryptically, "Clone wars begun they have."

FORENSICS INVESTIGATION COMPLETE!

Remember the photo of the Oxford students in a recent article from the Academy? After an extensive investigation, Bendena City Police have discovered a direct connection between that photograph and the mysterious Kansas Tractor Murder. Never before released is this photograph, which Bendena officials are certain provides motive for the accused Kansan Farmer, indicted with 1st Degree Burns and Manslaughter. The below photograph, taken at the same time as the previous photograph which graces our pages, displays clearly the Kansan Farmer's desire to remove the victim from the Oxfordian Campus, probably over some rivalry for the attentions of one the female students. Just look at the expression on the farmer's face in this picture as compared to the picture posted previously. At far right, he is clearly happier when his Asian victim, of Washinton D.C., who would not answer phone calls to his residence to help clear up the circumstances of his death, is absent from the far left of the picture. Bendena residents are up in arms over these recent developments: several young women were seen crying in the streets while clutching pictures of the alleged murderer, while the owner of the local watering hole told reporters: "We haven't had this much excitement since the feed mill burned down, back in 1903! We still haven't finished the new one though."

From The High Society Tabloids Of The Academy

Just when you thought you knew who was paired off with who, this candid photograph pops up. Scheduled to appear in the 2006 Senior Slide Show, this picture failed to shock and puzzle onlookers due to the Show's incompetent administration, but that hasn't prevented it from being found in the archives of The Academy, and brought to you exclusively here. The tallest King of the Orient, or member of the Three Magi, is pictured here looking deep into the eyes of the infamous SS-Proktor of St. Catherine's Prison Compound, from whence she wielded her harsh authority with impunity. But apparently she has a soft side too, caught in this brief moment during the recent Spring Formal of Christendom College. Love? Intrigue? Espionage? Heartburn? You decide.

Picture Gets Taken; Published On Le Chasseur Maudit!

Reporters uncovered this rare photo featuring the Three Magi, surrounded by some of their biggest fans. Sources are unclear when and where and why and how this picture was taken, but it is probably not a painting. However, a forensics investigation is still underway.

Bricks and Stones Don't Break Bones, But Hurt My Feelings

Christendom College, Front Royal VA -

One of the older dormitories on the Christendom College campus is undergoing a frightful repression in time for the College's 30th Anniversary celebration. In an attempt to "improve" the face of the Blessed Margaret of Castello Dormitory, home to many vagrant and wayward girls, it is to be covered in a layer of brick, a move which will also attempt to blend Blessed Margaret's in with the other dormitories for "ladies." The Academy News has an exclusive scoop on the inside story, as undercover reporters bypassed administrative red-tape, maintenance sentinels, a sleepy security guard, and several small bushes to see what an oft-overlooked individual had to say regarding this shocking change.

"I feel as if I should be ashamed, but I do not understand what is wrong with me. Perhaps this is a fitting trial, as my namesake was imprisoned by her father and couldn't even see out of a window. Well maybe that was because she was blind," the dormitory itself told Academy reporters. "I keep up with the news, I've seen many generations of students, and yet, I can't help but feel like a Muslim woman about to don a Burkha," the dorm continued. "What have I to hide? Is my face not beautiful? Do I need a face stretch like Mary Tyler Moore, or a nose replaced with plastic like Michael Jackson? I think not. I am truly beautiful! They want to change me, and I do not like it, but what can I do?" Blessed Margaret's Dormitory plans to spring many more leaks and shift on her foundation over the next several years in retaliation for her being bricked in, according to her close friend Green Dumpster.

The Academy interviewed two other obscure, but heavily impacted groups privy to this dormitory renovation. Shortly before being uprooted and rolled away, the bushes around the dormitory shouted to reporters: "This is not fair, we paid our taxes! Why are they doing this to us!? Can't we just get along?" Another bush was heard to say: "Water!" shortly before it died. The second group of individuals interviewed by Academy reporters were the new bricks themselves. "Eh, what difference does it make?" their spokesman said. "We've been sitting around in the parking lot being abused and battered for several years now. Some of our number were hijacked and walled in the proctor of St. Kevin's before returning, and some others were taken away and made to hold in fire and ashes by Mr. Mudd. So being part of a building is at least kinda dignified."

We also asked Mr. Foeckler about this project, but he had no comment: "I have no comment at this time, I said."

Man Trapped In Storage Unit; Nearly Dies

In the town of Front Royal, Virginia, a mere 67 miles west of Washington D.C., local police made a shocking discovery this past weekend. Residents at a house across the street from a fairly new storage facility called local police, and reported hearing muffled cries from one of the storage buildings. Arriving upon the scene, police discovered a middle aged man locked inside one of the storage units, and near dead from starvation and suffocation inside some plastic bags.
"I don't know why this keeps happening to me," the man, a resident of several Southwestern states, including Texas and New Mexico, stated from his hospital bed. "This is not the first time I've been trapped or quarantined for no good reason." His physician pro-tem, Dr. Krabopple, stated to our reporter that the man, whose name has not been released, will be well and released in a couple of day's time. A quick photo, the only one which was allowed, shows the man in his hospital bed, looking fairly well, though complaining of severe headaches. "I have severe headaches," the man stated. He is expected to be released on Tuesday, June 6.

Herr Direktor Speaks

In a story which aired yesterday, Christendom College Choir director Kurt Poterack was seen at a wedding reception in Youngstown, Ohio, attempting to start a conversation with his ex-Bass Section Leader Johannes R. Dittert. After eyeing and almost speaking to Mr. Dittert, but without meeting success, Dr. Poterack dusted off the chair between himself and Christendom College's least interesting bass and moved down to start a conversation. Dr. Poterack took the initiative and started the conversation, according to Dr. Poterack: "I took the iniative and started the conversation, according to myself, I said." After this stunning move, the two singers enjoyed a long, fun, and much varied conversation. "We discussed politics, Plato, matchmade for certain choir members, discussed movies, music, food, dancing, my road trip, the Louvre, Tutankhamen, etc., switching between the Latin, Greek, and Czech languages for our discussion," said Mr. Dittert. Dr. Poterack was heard to make only one comment on the incident: "Not much was said, we just sat, watched the dancing, made fun of the dancers, and grunted. My suspicions were confirmed that the guy who had been my lead bass all this time was really as dumb as a post."

Furlong to be Married; Panics and Almost Dies

Peter Furlong, from Pennsylvania, has come to the Front Royal area this week, on an errand of great import. "Rachel's Dad and Brother are dumb, and they didn't pack all her stuff from the apartment, and now someone is wanting to move in," Peter stated. At about 11am, Jonathan Dittert, a resident of the Academy, received a mysterious phone call: "Do you need to go anywhere this morning? Have you noticed yet?" a mysterious voice queried. "I had no idea what this crazy person was talking about," a shaken Mr. Dittert told our reporters. "Then the voice said, 'There is a couch in the back of your truck. If you need to go somewhere, we can just dump it on the ground, it's for Sarah Hibl.'" After a long day of much carrying and cleaning, and some chatting with Kaylie-used-to-be-Minick, Rachel's ex-apartment was clear, the boys were laden with food, and the Furlong family van was completely stuffed. Late that evening, Mr. Furlong recalled he was to be married in less than two weeks. He promptly jumped into the nearest swimming pool and tried to drown himself, but failed due to the lack of water in the pool.

Man's Hair Causing Personal Struggle in Unique Way

Wish to sightsee, wish to get wet doing it? What better way than to canoe down the Shenandoah River!? But what if you're not a native? Who will be your guide? "A country bumpkin," some tourists to Front Royal, VA, the "Canoe Capital of the World," told Academy reporters. "He drove us down to the river in a van, tilting his head back so he could see beyond the hair hanging down in his face," one young woman from New York commented. Another river adventurer, from West Virginia stared wide-eyed: "He's so cute! Look ma, it's a man!" Then turning to our reporter she asked, "Do you know if he's got a woman, because I wanna get hitched to a guy like that!" The hairy wonder, a former resident of Pennsylvania, is nearing the Pennsylvania Book of State records for the Title of Longest Numbers of Days A Man Has Gone Without Cutting His Hair, which is currently held by a missing coal miner. Another Pennsylvanian, Peter Furlong, spotted the cavalier canoer by his car after dark, and mistook him for a girl at first: "I thought he was a girl at first," Mr. Furlong said. Local psychoanalyst, Dr. Dane Weber, was consulted concerning the possible effects the lack of a haircut might have on this individual. "I think Mr. E_____ may be about to have his midlife crisis a midlife too early. The big struggle is beginning on the inside, in the mind, right as we speak. Who is in control of the man?: the brain, linked to the inner soul, or that glorious golden mop which is descending down on all sides and obscuring his true identity, his true self." Dr. Weber, an unlicensed practitioner without credentials, summed it all up in one sentence: "It's really all about Karma, and remember to eat lots of karamel candy to help unite you to the Karma; buy Twix, ten Twix a day separation from the Karma delay, and I'm not at all affiliated with Mars candies, that $10,000 was a gift to the establishment of my psychoanalystic practice."

KANSAS FARMER FACES MURDER LAWSUIT

A negligent Kansas farmer finds himself facing a very serious charge of manslaughter, after driving over an asian man with a tractor. "I didn't see him, and he was trespassing anyway," the farmer, a young 22 year old resident of Bendena, Kansas, near the town of Atchison, Kansas, which is fairly close to the border of Missouri, Kansas, across the river from such-and-such, Missouri, said. Prosecutors told reporters that this was no accident, as photographic evidence, which the farmer is attempting to use as his defense, proves. "This was clearly a set up ritual killing, Kansas Execution Style," the county's District Attorney stated. "The fact there is actually a picture of the incident proves that. There is no indication that the photographer attempted to warn the tractor driver, which makes sense because he was probably an accomplice. The whole thing was clearly set up on purpose."

Meanwhile, the farmer, a native of Kansas, tried to defend himself, "I was out in my new tractor and took a friend along for a photo shoot. I always drive around in my tractor on Sunday, but not for work, and my friend was snapping some shots. My friend didn't see the guy til we developed the pictures, that's why he didn't stop me. As for myself, I'm used to bumps on the ground, it's pastureland for crying out loud! Sometimes I drive over a tree or two, or some rocks, and one time there was this car, and a cow....." at which point the farmer drifted off into silence and a blank and frozen stare sneaked onto his countenance.

The victim in this case, a young asian man from D.C., wouldn't answer the Academy New's several attempted phone calls.

Prosecutors think this is the pivotal point in this case: "This asian dude was a good friend of the murderer. How could he possibly be so far from home and the farmer not know he was there. In fact he (the farmer) probably invited him to his farm to kill him." The body of the victim, is not in Kansas anymore, but has been moved to D.C. for reconstruction prior to the funeral.

One of our reporters called the home of the farmer, but was only to get a single unintelligible remark from the alleged killer: "I . ...... I'm a wombat," he said.

No tires were harmed during the snapping of the shots.

Good Gravy......!

It looks like my idleness has conquered my principles. I am writing on this here thing and I don't want to, but then I kinda do. It could be fun. I must just not let myself get too stupid. So many people write boring blogs. But with a name like blog, what do you expect? I will try to keep mine fairly interesting. So I thought, this can become my news post. And I'm afraid it has. We shall see if it be a good idea. Now to put up the old news first....

Finally?

As a rule, I say "Nein!" to blogs, and certainly don't want to get into the habit. But, I had one once, and never wrote anything on it. I wanted to post a comment recently to a friend's blog who only allowed users, but for the life of me, I cannot figure out what my old username and password are or were, so I made a new one, and decided to post to it for fun anyway. I just won't tell anyone about it and so they can't read it. Interesting, eh? I thought so.