Man's Hair Causing Personal Struggle in Unique Way

Wish to sightsee, wish to get wet doing it? What better way than to canoe down the Shenandoah River!? But what if you're not a native? Who will be your guide? "A country bumpkin," some tourists to Front Royal, VA, the "Canoe Capital of the World," told Academy reporters. "He drove us down to the river in a van, tilting his head back so he could see beyond the hair hanging down in his face," one young woman from New York commented. Another river adventurer, from West Virginia stared wide-eyed: "He's so cute! Look ma, it's a man!" Then turning to our reporter she asked, "Do you know if he's got a woman, because I wanna get hitched to a guy like that!" The hairy wonder, a former resident of Pennsylvania, is nearing the Pennsylvania Book of State records for the Title of Longest Numbers of Days A Man Has Gone Without Cutting His Hair, which is currently held by a missing coal miner. Another Pennsylvanian, Peter Furlong, spotted the cavalier canoer by his car after dark, and mistook him for a girl at first: "I thought he was a girl at first," Mr. Furlong said. Local psychoanalyst, Dr. Dane Weber, was consulted concerning the possible effects the lack of a haircut might have on this individual. "I think Mr. E_____ may be about to have his midlife crisis a midlife too early. The big struggle is beginning on the inside, in the mind, right as we speak. Who is in control of the man?: the brain, linked to the inner soul, or that glorious golden mop which is descending down on all sides and obscuring his true identity, his true self." Dr. Weber, an unlicensed practitioner without credentials, summed it all up in one sentence: "It's really all about Karma, and remember to eat lots of karamel candy to help unite you to the Karma; buy Twix, ten Twix a day separation from the Karma delay, and I'm not at all affiliated with Mars candies, that $10,000 was a gift to the establishment of my psychoanalystic practice."