Plz...

This is a special report intended primarily for Fraulein Landtanzer and Miss Mulhern.

The Editor writes:

Dear Mademoiselles,

Do not underestimate the power of the press. We reach far and wide. Just a warning.

~The Editor

The Choir Is My Empire: Part I, "Modest Beginnings"

THIS is Lizzie Black.

She looks innocent enough. And so she did ever since that fateful day in 1976, that day that will go down in history as her birthday... but all was not as it appeared.

ADA, MICHIGAN- The Academy News has deemed it worthy of that thing, the news, to bring you this story, the story of power, of greed, and revenge which has and may further change our world forevermore...

Naturally, of all natural things such as vitamin E and beta carotene, we decided to go to the source, and interviewed none other than Mr. Black himself:

"I'd have to say she was an adorable child, but kinda bratty. I mean, you know, we didn't know at first it would be like this, but she was the oldest of alot, and that means the power went to her head. Nonetheless she wasn't really vicious about it, I didn't think, well not until she made her younger brother Michael eat a squirrel's left rear leg's big toe fried in soy sauce. Then I began to wonder, to even grow concerned you might say."

Dr. Poterack of course was interviewed concerning his first contact with Lizzie, in a REAL interview:

KP: "I first met Lizzie through her father with whom I became friends. She was 11-years old at the time and sang in a childrens choir I organized. Some of the other children were such brats that I put her in charge of keeping them in line--and THAT was her first taste of choral power!"

And it wouldn't be her last....

Stay tuned for Part II!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP STORY

Maybe you thought it was bad. Perhaps you thought it couldn't get worse. Then again, maybe you heard about the new rule (this is for real) which bans computer games from being played privately in dorm rooms at Christendom, but requires they be played in the common areas. Seriously, it is in the new handbook, which you can find online at Christendom.edu.

Yet, it's not over. It's far from over. In an Academy Exclusive, we sent in a team of reporters to see what all is going on in the student life office, and now we have a comprehensive report for you to see. Look out returning and incoming students!

IT'S ALL ABOUT CHANGE:

"We were thinking, you know things sometimes get out of hand around here, you know like when Grant Freeman threw that computer from the balcony on the side of Coeli, so we're completely rethinking student life and conduct for this campus." - anonymous dean.

"It seemed important to start with the RA's and Proctors. Thank Justin Largen for this one, from when he lived in Pius with Tom Cole as his Proctor. We will be issuing a uniform and some field equipment to help RA's and Proctors enforce rules, like no smoking in front of the Commons, or remember last year when those kids wouldn't get out of the fountain at Italian Night even when the head RA told them to? Well they'll listen now. We have a former freshman modeling the new uniform today for the board, let me get her so you can see."

This actually might seem a small step after RA's like N.C. and K.F., but that is only the tip of the iceberg. There are many other reforms going on at Christendom, and while some faculty fear we are going to lose large numbers to Magdalen, other members of the staff feel these are key things to promote virtue and foster community.

Mirrors To Be Removed From Girls' Dorms

"Vanity, thy name is Woman." We refer you to Lizzie Black's personal full length mirror. It seems apparent that one of the detriments to campus life is the fact that girls can never do anything with guys more than half the time they're asked. All guys have experienced this. "I'm busy, I have to do school, I have to go to so and so's b-day party." Usually, none of this is true. They're simply spending time in front of the mirror. "Trust us," said one of the maintenance workers. "We placed pressure sensitive plates under the carpet of several girls' dorm rooms, and they have indicated to us that girls, and not just one, but often groups, stand in front of the mirror for hours on end. Sometimes they even miss meals because of it." - Dane Weber, psychology expert at The Academy.

Dating Couples Not Allowed To Dance

"We want to promote community, and we feel part of this is changing the way things work at dances, but will extend to guy-girl relationships across the board. This rule has two ends: The first and most important is to keep a boyfriend from using the excuse he has to dance with his girlfriend as a means to not dance with any other girls. Secondly, we want our students to be sure of their matches. We've had too many break-ups, even in engagements. This new rule will force dating individuals to dance with others and hopefully force them to consider the options more thoroughly."
~Not sure who said that.

The River Is Closed

"It has been and is illegal, anyway you look at it, and a liability. But on the practical level, I say to you, who wants to dance with someone who is drunk?"- Paul Almeter

Girls Must Be Spaced At Dances

"Guys will never mix and dance with a variety of girls at a dance when the girls bunch up all the time. Nothing is more intimidating, and downright frightening. If he braves the masses and approaches a girl of their number, he feels as if all the other girls are eyeing him and thinking one of two things: he likes her, or why didn't he ask me? But that is only if a guy has the courage to advance on such a formidable obstacle. Usually they don't. Girls must mix in liberally with the guys standing around and carry on conversation, not stare at the dance floor. Chit chat breaks the ice and leads to an enjoyable dance. Standing in groups like cattle waiting for hay only frightens the guys away." -Larry Henson, dance teacher.

New Dress Code For Women

"We want girl/guy friendships, and ultimately dating relationships to stem from personality and character and to not be based on looks. That is why Dr. Fahey and I have come up with two options to make girls unattractive on the physical level," said Dr. Cuddeback. "Girls' dresscode now consists of two elements," said the new deanette, "they may either choose the Burkha option with potato sack or menswear. Both are guaranteed to force guys to choose their girl acquaintances based on personality and character, as there will be no looks."

Girls May Not Dance With Other Girls

"Like bunching in groups along the side, there is nothing as disconcerting to guys as girls dancing with each other, and hurts even those of us guys who want to and try to dance alot," Dan Henson relates. Kyle Miller elaborates on this problem: "You can never know when there is good music to be played at a dance, so you have to wait for the beginning of the song before you ask. All too often it has happened to me that I want to dance with a given girl, and once the song starts and it is good, I have to push through a gang of guys then walk from one end of a herd of girls to the other, and while I'm say, halfway down the line of girls, the one I was going for jumps out on the floor with one or two other girls and starts hopping around like a clown. And I was only six feet away! And now I'm stranded in front of a line of girls. This only ever leaves me one option since I'm not prepared to ask someone else, and that is to freestyle, on the spot."

East vs. West Game No More

"This does not promote community, but creates rivalries and fanaticism. People won't talk to each other from opposite sides, and some paint themselves with lead-based paints which shorten the life span. Besides, the West is always going to win, it's just that simple," Dr. O'Donnell told reporters.

Girls Are Not Allowed To Cuddle

"Most girls flee to the arms of other girls for comfort in time of stress or heartbreak. We're trying to drive them into the arms of guys, dating or available. This will shake up the entire factionalism, which combined with the new girl dresscode, will be like a blender of community unity. Moreover, if this is done in a public place, we can increase the revenues that RDA rules bring us." - Lou Massett

No More LSD

"How many times have one of the girls come back to Campion from the Chapel late at night, and been frightened out of their wits by this sight in the common room. We've got to ban LSD, plain and simple. " - Mr. O'Herron

Stricter Ban On Pets

"Despite the rules it seems that some people are intent on breaking them no matter what. That is why we have banned any non-human life form on campus, except for plants. And it doesn't matter if your pet wears human clothes or has a doctorate."- Dr. Kelly

Snipers

Finally, the college has placed a ban on all snipers except for one, who is to enforce new policies against drinking along the river, starting this fall.

Online Lottery For Christendom Students!

Check this out: www.ChristendomOnline.com! It's a place where prospective, current, or former students of Christendom College can enter multiple raffle drawings for all sorts of cash prizes! You can also chat with other Christendom folk on the message board, ask for prayers, dance for rain, debate various topics with charity, and slug it out over the Wallflower!!!!!!

(Picture taken after the Burning)

Dr. Poterack On Gardening

As promised, The Academy News has brought you an exclusive and authentic--for those of you who seem to have a hard time catching on that these interviews with Dr. Poterack are real, as if anything on our Newspage wasn't--interview on gardening with one of our greatest and most prominent of celebrities and great thinkers, Dr. Kurt Poterack.



Reporter: Dr. Poterack, what do you think of Gardening? Should flowers be watered?

KP: Well, I suppose that as a choir director I am a gardener of sorts,
the sopranos and altos being the prettiest of my flowers (especially
Meghan Beller--with or without an "h"!). They also are very delicate and
need special care which brings us to the next question.

Reporter: Should flowers be watered?

KP: Yes, I have to "shower" them with attention,
praise and concern and . . . and . . . I'm running out of corny
metaphors. Can we stop now, I have work to do.

Reporter: Oh, look, what's that out the window! I have to go! Thank you for your time Dr. Poterack, I'm sorry I have to leave so suddenly! We'll send you your check as soon as we can.

From The High Society Tabloids Of The Academy

"Really, I love words that begin with 'Ph,'" she told one of our reporters. "I mean, mainly I guess you would say I'm a philanthropist, and a little bit of a philanderer, but I also love philosophy, and photography, which is why I came to Christendom. I've also studied Greek, and am researching ways to begin my name Meghan with the letter 'phi.'"

There is little doubt of this woman's charity, but also no doubt as to her entrepreneurial and enterprising spirit. This week we're taking a look into the life of Meghan E. Beller, a name which means so much to so many by so few--she's a woman who touches and changes lives. Thanks to this, her popularity abounds, and there is hardly a home in America, or the world over, that doesn't know someone named Meghan. Although some spell it without the "h."

We asked her the key to her success, and she responded: "Well, that is an interesting question, and actually a multi-faceted one, like my diamond necklace. You see, I first dabbled in the stockmarket when I was 11, and I did ok. Later on, after reviving the American economy, I decided to really get into Money Marketing, and this has returned some huge dividends. But the real income, and I'm talking millions here, comes from a source that not many of my friends know. Allow me to explain. Growing up, I heard stories of there being Cherokee in my ancestry, which I thought amply explained my sensational tanning abilities. Then one day it occurred to me that Cherokee ancestry could be an important asset. I wrote to the government and got the response I hoped for: a $500,000 grant. With this I built a small casino hidden on an island in the Potomac, and it nets several million annually. However, I know some of you out there may be thinking this is a horrible way for me to make money, but I'm one step ahead of you. An I.Q. test is required before entering my casino, and only really stupid people are allowed in. Our customers are mostly Irish, quite a few Polish, and alot of Democrats."

However she comes by her money, there is a proliferation of evidence as to Miss Beller's generosity, and her attempts to help those in need. During a tour across the United States in which she visited public school after public school, Meghan posed with one of America's most literaturerually challenged women. "She not really mentally retarded," Meghan said. "She just needs a little care and a new name." Turning to another patient in the psychiatric ward, she said, "This poor man is sad, and retarded. There is nothing I can do for him.

During a social event in Buckingham Palace, in which Queen Elizabeth awarded Meghan with the Iron Cross with oak leaves and crossed hairbrushes for a hairdoo well done, Miss Beller posed with England's latest child wonder. "I'm already 14 and none of my teeth have rotted out!" she told our foremost reporter, Justin Largen.

Her fame not limited to the Old and New Worlds, Meghan recently appeared in an Australian commercial for Italian Ice. "I loved the hat, but the country was strange. I saw these little furry animals everywhere called wombats. They reminded me very strongly of someone I knew, but I wasn't sure who. It was really creepy though, because the facial similarity almost gave me the feeling a four-legged furry animal with a man's head was staring at me."

Aside from her social butterflying, philanthropic visits to people in need across the globe, and reception of awards (such as her recent reception in Syria of the Oil Storage Tank Medal with Gas Pump for her work against global warming [distributing a/c window units to every Arab family in the Middle East]), Meghan enjoys a number of productive hobbies. "Like I said, I love words that begin with 'ph,' and I love singing, so I joined the Christendom College Choir and became a phsoprano. The 'ph' is silent. I would've been the section leader, but I was away receiving my second grammy for my recent release, 'Where Art Your Eyelashes, O Darling Darin,' and was unable to attend auditions." She also loves to skeet shoot while bungie jumping, ice skating on water above 32°F, water skiing with roller blades, and knitting with crochet needles while sitting on someone else's roof. Contrary to rumors, she is not a fan of burning live squirrels and eating out-dated milk.

Not all has a happy and propserous ending in Meghan's life. During a candid moment in an interview with one of our reporters, Miss Beller became very quiet, then with a look of distress said, "I'm already twenty, and I'm not even married." After a brief pause, she continued: "I don't think it had to be this way, but I think the only man I ever really loved is gone forever, and I shall never see him again." She then began to relate a story, one of relentless drama and suspense, which took place on a trip to Banica, a small Pacific island off the coast of Sardinia, just west of France, when she was on a mission to save endangered monkeys from poisonous coconuts.

"Myself and my friend Martin, who is a girl, were on the outskirts of a small village roasting a non-endagered monkey we had killed, when a pair of Mexican Banditos came tearing up the road in a silver truck, trailing a huge cloud of dust and a net filled with coconuts tied to the bumper. They stopped and forced Martin and I into the truck, and took off down the road. After several hours of driving through the trans-Atlantic tunnel, we were going across Ohio when it happened. On a small two lane highway in the middle of farmland, a lone biker slowly overtook the truck. I looked back, and while I tried to catch my breath again, surveyed a very rugged, rough and ready sort of man. He had one earring, in his left ear, a bandana on his head, dark unrevealing sunglasses, and a whole air of mystery and strength about him. I fell in love with him instantly, and knew that he alone could save me from my plight. I waved incessantly at him, but he retained a stony countenance. Catching onto my motions, the Privateer driving the truck sped ahead and passed multiple cars in an attempt to lose my rescuer. My hero came after us though, and caught up, but then the Musketeer riding shotgun threw out a bannana peel which sent the motorcycle sliding off the road into a corn field. I never saw him again."

Christendom Professor Engaged!

Front Royal, VA -

In an annoucement that stunned and shocked thousands of viewers in the Chester-Belloc Room, Dr. Patrick Keats announced in his announcement that he is engaged to a Peruvian woman of mysterious age.

It is thought by some sources that this woman has the map to a gold mine and has demanded marriage to anyone who wishes to see it.

The first part of this article was true, well at least the engagement. The second part... well that wasn't. At least not to our knowledge...

Josepha Bertolini, if you see this, I would just like to say, how can I read an unlisted blog?
~The Editor

Upcoming Articles:
Three Part Series Featuring Lizzie Black!
Gardening with Dr. Poterack.
The New Blessed Margarets, Christendom Style.
Get Your Very Own Stunt Double Who Looks Like Anthony Smitha (Only good for people who look like or are Anthony Smitha)

MYSTERIOUS LETTER

Front Royal, July 19th - The Editor to The Academy News received a letter from one Matthew Dittert, purportedly from Dr. K. Poterack, Director of Christendom College Choir. It seems it may be a forgery:


Dear Sir or Gentleman,
Good morning, my name is Kurt Poterack, with the Christendom College Choir, based in Frontroyaljohannesburg, on the Cape of Good Liturgy along the Shenahdoah, and I appreciate you taking the time to read this letter to you. I hope that you will find that the offer contained below will be most advantageous to you, as this solicitation will be beneficial to me as well.

It has come about that a large sum of money, perhaps enumerating even in the millions of dollars, from a defunct corporation that I was a board member, and recently went out of business and at a loss, has been donated to the choir to which I direct, and to which I sing to show them how to have it done. Unfortunately, due to repressive economic and socio-political conditions where we are, I am not able to keep this money safely here. However, I have a solution which involves great benefits to both me and myself, and you as well, according to the following arrangement, whereupon I would transfer a significant amount of this money to your personal bank account, to remain in security for a short time.

Upon this transfer, I would make the arrangements to have 30% of this money given to you, in appreciation of your aid that you would render me in so doing.

Please say yes, and shake hands, I will appreciate your trust and special confidence in this matter. At your convenience, please send me the pertinent information on your account, so that I may make the transaction go into progress.

So that you will feel all the more safely about this matter, please note that this transaction would not be subject to the appropriate conditions, rules, laws, and regulations, including the terms and conditions of surrender of Carthage to Rome, the revised charter of the Ad Council, the Edict of Milan, the second law of General Dynamics, the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, the revised General Instructions to the Roman Missal, the adjudication of the FISA court, or the nutritional contents of Peeps.

Thank you!
Kurt Poterack, Frontroyaljohannesburg

P. S. Please send photo of boat and motor.

MORE FRIGHTENING THAN GODZILLA

Special Dispatch, CANADA:

This is reporter Justin Largen reporting from north of the U.S. on behalf of The Academy News. A strange phenomenon has been spotted, and I, along with other various members of our investigative team, were rushed by helicopter, train and skateboard to various locations to hunt down an explanation of this aberration of nature, this most unnatural of natural occurences. Here is my report:

Beautiful place, Canada. With many fine landscapes, strange people who make up scenery, and then....

This.

We are not exactly sure what it is, but our investigative reporters, including myself, have turned in a number of theories, gleaned mostly from locals who spotted this.

Theory #1: This is a normal Canadian girl on her way to school. Her name is Jeanette Seaux Ouglee.

Theory #2: This is a Frenchman leaving Canada, looking for employment in San Francisco, California.

Theory #3: This is a secret agent with bad cover.

Theory #4: This is Tom Cruise.

Theory #5: This is possibly a man named Larry Henson attempting to see his girlfriend while she is training for Focus.

Theory #6: This is a woman cursed with an ugly face.

Theory #7: A Christendom Girl. Judging by the expression on the face: It's True Love.

Theory #8: This is a man who lived with K.F. too long. (This one's for you Larry.)

Theory #9: This is West Virginia's beauty contest winner.

Theory #10: It's Justin Largen's fiance! Doesn't she look.... like she's holding a book....

Theory #11: This is the most beautiful girl in all of Ireland.

While we have this rare photograph, no one has seen this creature since last week. If we can track it down, perhaps we will know more, and have its identity for sure. Until then, this is, reporting live from Canada, Justin, out.

Thanks to whomever it was who sent us this picture. There might've been a cash reward if we knew who you were.

KANSAN FARMER FOUND GUILTY

In a story that is airing right now, since this is it, the young Kansan farmer of Tractor Execution fame has been found guilty of first degree murder and of being a 75-degree angle, which the District Attorney termed, "Obtuse." While defense attorneys attempted to use this to their advantage, it would seem that all is up for the young resident of Bendena, who has been locked in the Kansas State Prison, which also doubles as an auction stockyard, our Atchison affiliate said. Perhaps even more shocking than this verdict is the fact that the sentenced farmer has converted to Islam. Taking the name Machmud bin-Thardunnit-bu-Skairdyoo-wom-Bad, we could not get the Kansan to comment on his motives for conversion, as he would not stop praying in the direction of Bendena, the city where the prophet should have begun his teaching, according to a note spray-painted in Arabic on the wall of the Kansan's cell. It does sound similar.

Despite many protests from across the country, and gatherings demanding a re-trial such as this group who call themselves: "Dirndls For Freedom,"
the District Attorney's office said the case is closed. "The evidence is clear and final. We made one more call to the residence of the murder victim and he once again did not answer the phone for comment. We sent a Cheverly City policeman in person to the residence, and on inquiring the whereabouts of the victim, he was told that the victim had 'gone to Georgia.'" "And we all know," said the D.A., "that that is just another euphemism for that other place."

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR...

...ABOUT A LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

One of our readers wrote in concerning A Story of Tragic Tragedy: A Tale of Woe, Pain, Suffering, Delusion, Confusion, Wealth, Beauty, Money, and More Woe, Pain and Suffering, and Just A Little More Money:

"M-hmm. Okay then. Very funny. =P -MB "

The Academy News Replies:

Dearest of all our many and most dearest readers,
We were prepared for your cryptic and acid-like remarks. Be forewarnded that we brace ourselves against your vile epithets. "Very funny," you say. We here take the knews seriously and think you should too, before it is too laet. Attempting to confuse us and perchance have us appear dumb and stupid before our readers is no surprise, but very un-sportsmanlike. Nonetheles, well-equipped and staffed by mini leading experts in various and sundry fields (we have three in Kelly's field alone), your attempt at using our Newspage as a venue for rudimentary signs such as "=P" has been rebuttled. We know that it is not HTML, or even your own way of spelling a normal word, but that very sign is a call signal for your, um, minions, or um devoted fans to rise up, and um,

Anyway, know that your attempt to overthrow our organization has failed. We think.
~The Editor? Probably Justin.

Yeah, pretty sure it's Justin.

Typically Italian . . .

...and sun-baked in the California . . . sun.

"That about sums up Josepha Bertolini," an anonymous source told Academy reporters. "Ever since she was a toddler, she's been getting into mischief and bumbling about, not making any sense. As she got older, it didn't get any better. She wasn't blonde, but it seemed like she should be," said a friend about Mary Beth Baker, when asked about record unemployment lows.

That is not all that is in the news, howeffervescent, there is also something fairly new.

Let us all hail the introduction of a NEW MAJOR TO CHRISTENDOM COLLEGE's already-bursting course load. We cite as our source a capable reporter, known perhaps by many as a Restaurant Reviewer for that poorly published publication which it would be a waste of letters to name here. Nonetheless, articles such as Josepha's made that item curious enough to peruse, as did mistaking it for its much-improved counterpart, The Yodeler. At any rate, Josepha obtained the inside scoop on this news, and our agent Smith passed it along to be published here. Or there. But not just anywhere.

"Bertolini will be leaving Napa to start a new life as a freshman at Christendom University in Front Royal, Va., this fall. Although she will be more than 3,000 miles from her family, she said she's ready to leave the nest. 'I have a sister, nieces and a brother-in-law who live in Virginia. So if I get real homesick, I can go running to them,' she said. 'I'm not sure what my major will be. I love photography. The university has a wonderful photography program." '"

Hold on. Let's do an instant replay.

"The university has a wonderful photography program."

Now let's do it in slow motion, to make sure we are really seeing this right.

"The university has a wonderful photography program."

The Academy sent reporters scurrying all over Front Royal and the Christendom Campus to gather what info they could on this strange phenomenon. Cornered at the Knotty Pine, Andrew Hayes stated that, "Hi. My name is Andrew Hayes." The bartender told us that he could only think of one person on the Christendom staff that might give the impression of Christendom having a photography course, though he wasn't sure of the name. We were, and interviewed someone that looked like this guy and he said, "I always knew girls came to Christendom because of me." That is the best we could do for now, so we are still on the investigate for new information regarding this major. Perhaps we will have to corner Walter Janaro. Perhaps we will not. This writer needs a drink.....

You can get the original story here: http://www.napavalleyregister.com/articles/2005/06/05/news/export9405.txt

And you know what happens to people who get too much sun. They get loopy.

A Story of Tragic Tragedy

For Reference, first read:

http://mabelogic.blogspot.com/2006/06/to-narcissus.html

Once upon a time,

there was a young girl with some watermelon in her hand. Uncertain what it was meant for, she decided to take her picture with it.

Most of her life had been that way, uncertain and confused, but she had learned to become accustomed to it. As a woman, she was of course afflicited with vanity, but of a new sort. Rather than considering herself glamorous, she considered herself a good writer, and thought she enjoyed it. And so it went on for years, but one day one of her stories came across the desk of then Vice President Al Gore, who used the letter as inspiration for HTML, the basic computer language upon which he based his invention, the Internet. It was later discovered that what he had thought was a stolen beta version of software programming was simply a story about the childhood of one nameless Mary Beth Baker, and authored by the same in a dialect intended to be English, but due to her spelling, was untranslatable.

When George W. Bush became president, he was shown this letter, and while he was able to read more of it than most people, such as the word "strategery," the horrid spelling of the letter prompted him to start a government program entitled "No Two Childs Left Aside," intended to improve schooling, particularly in the areas of reading and writing.

But we digress. Mary struggled to change her spelling capabilities and entered several spelling bees in her hometown. After her local school banned them from the public due to embarassment, Mary sought to continue her life, but her confusion continued her life with her. She chose a man's name at Confirmation, and thought that her first name was Marybeth, and that she too would one day be the subject of a great play in the Shakesperean fashion. To become well known in the world of literature she prided herself on stories--fictitious stories--of guys who drove trucks and lived in dark basements.

She began a series of short stories which exemplify her intellectual state at this time. Here is one such inspirational story for young children, which she is seeking to have published:

So far, Mary hadn't really hurt anyone. She had accidentally helped to invent the Internet, improve public schools, prevent the president from feeling all alone with no one to identify with, and inspire many young Americans with tales of... well, just tales.

But then she went to college.

At first she felt lost and confused--more than usual--but then one of her new friends proved to her, beyond a doubt, that the word convent did not contain a double consonant such as "ll" or the letter "g" as in "ege." Then her surroundings began to make sense and take shape, and she became happy, and her spelling improved after she was told not to look at the papers the nuns wrote anymore (from whence she had drawn a sense of comfort). She joined the choir and sang tenor in the alto section.

Two years passed, and things were looking up. The reform seemed almost complete. Then it happened.

She thumbed a ride west to go to the wedding of a friend, and was picked up by a dashing young man with a prestigious name. His last name was German and meant "ruler of people," while his first name meant "Given by God." (The Divine Right of Kings when you put the two together.) He lived in a tidy and sunny apartment with pickled nothing and had a regal roomate. He hired a couple of young men to do his dishes and he opened the windows to allow the fresh breeze to fill his lungs with the goodness of Mother Nature.

Traveling west with a tall Texan at the wheel, Mary was overwhelmed and became uncertain of herself. When she heard the Prayers of the Faithful read in a strong manly voice at the wedding she grew more perplexed and was awed by the exquisite and beautiful works of art her driver played on the way back home, and impressed by the way he stopped the music when she wished to talk on the phone. Most of all, she admired the way he could drive down the road while talking with a passenger and looking them in the eye, or while he was sleeping.

Mary could not stand this, she could not stand this at all, because, aside from everything else, this guy she rode with could....

...spell words correctly.

She wanted to make a good impression; she was after all reforming and much better than her days in HTML. But when it was time to part, she lost it. She didn't see him around, so she wrote him a note.

A note that would change lives.

It looked right to her. But to the rest of the world, it was oh so obvious, like the extra "e" in the word "acknowledg(e)ments" in the front of the library copy of my thesis. According to a message received by the Academy News on June 22, 2006, that was the end of Mary Baker:

"We regret to inform you that Mary Elizabeth Baker, a.k.a. entirely too many other things to mention here, whose name is not necessarily stupid although it is decidedly boring, has died. She died of embarrassment at precisely 4:08 p.m. on Thursday, June 22. Although nothing certain can be said regarding her death at this time, the authorities have reason to believe she died of embarrassment over the misspelling of a name."

P.S. You realize, of course, that I am quite serious.

FIRST PRIZE GOES TO.....

...Anonymous Apartment No. 2, for their photo showing a revolutionary new innovation in home lawn and gardening: The Triangular Flowerbed with Trellis. Thought to be a lost art that died out with the Mayan Indians during the Korean War, this form of flowerbed is a design most versatile. "You can fit it into corners, as opposed to a circular flowerbed, which would have never worked here," said an observer from the Observatory of Celestial Beings and Flowerbeds On Cloudy Days, located where the east meets west, just south of the North Fork of the Shenandoah River. This non-trapezoidal bed of things that grow and have pedals has attracted much local attention. "I thought it was something else," said a bewildered pilot who landed his plane in the driveway. Next door neighbors feel outdone as they wade through the junk and trash outside their door. Mr. O of Shortville stared at the flowerbed in incredulity and said, "I lack intelligence." He would have also said, "That is why I have nothing intelligent to say," but we refer you to his actual quote, just previously quoted. Stay tuned for next week's "Choir News with Dr. Poterack; Tips On Home Gardening: Special Edition!"

An Outlaw With Alcohol

The most recent of several new Virginia drinking laws, targeted at curbing high rates of death by DUI, forbids adults of drinking age (21 by VA law) to host underage drinking. This law, of course, does not forbid parents from serving alcoholic beverages to their children, but is aimed at reducing drunkenness amongst youth. One might say, well if they are that stupid, let them die. (We don't hold such an uncharitable view.) Uncertain whether this will affect the serving of alcohol at colleges (it very well may, though perhaps the fact that it is [supposedly] well-monitored and limited to responsible amounts per person well preserve its practice), Dr. Townsend told Academy reporters: "I hail from New Zealand." Sure to spark added controversy amongst young hot heads, it is perhaps worthy of note that "the River" was already illegal under the previous Virginia drinking laws, which permitted alcohol to minors under supervision of adults within private residences. Even if accompanied by those 21 and over, drinking parties such as "the River" are illegal unless the parent of any underage drinker is present. The most recent drinking law does pose new questions to lawmakers and law enforcement. A senator commented on the problem that at 18 children are considered adults and hence have no legal guardians, but this new law provides restriction and dependence upon a parent or guardian. Law enforcement has pointed out this law is no reason to invade homes, but gives policemen authority to investigate keg parties on the front lawn, etc., to make sure no recklessness is involved, for the sake of those who travel the road.

And the picture of Pat is per request of Big Moon, Little River.

Artist's Impression of Dr. Marshner Entitled: "Wild Turkey Beard Fire"

SPECIAL EDITION: An Interview with Mr. Cole

We thought it would be nice, especially for our lady readers, to get an update on the famous Tom Cole; find out if he is still available, dancing regularly, so on and so forth. So we sent out our new reporter in field disguise, to get a more candid interview with Mr. Cole. This is what happened, according to our reporter:

"On reaching Manassass, I quickly became lost, so it seemed. I exited at the second Manassass exit and turned left. After touring the battlefield I headed back south, but stopped in at Wendy's, then checked the movie theatre to make sure Mr. Cole wasn't there. Two bags of popcorn and a Superman Returns later, I left and headed south again, to find the home school high school at which Tom teaches. I stopped in at Chili's on my way by to check the guest list and catch a bite to eat. Immediately afterward, I decided to stop in at Barnes & Noble and make sure he wasn't in the "Teach-It-Yourself" self-help section. He wasn't, but I found several interesting books for my collection. Then I rushed over to Holy Family High School. I marched in the front door, but very casually so that I would fit in with my disguise. Nonetheless, apparently these children are well informed and recognized me for a newsreporter. These families being Catholic, they've probably been taught to be wary of all newsfolk because they are often liberal and corrupt. At any rate, as I entered the halls of the school, the children fled before me with shrieks of horror. I proceeded directly to the principal's office, thinking to pose as a parent who wanted to sit in on one of Mr. Cole's classes. The office, however, was locked and unoccupied. I now noticed that there were far less children than before, and those I saw way down the hall ahead of me had backpacks. I looked at a clock on the wall and realized school was out and I was way too late to catch the illustrious Tommy C. I don't know how it happened, as I left Washington D.C. at 8a.m. to give me plenty of time for the interview."

In lieu of an interview this time, The Academy News brings you a commemorative Thomas Cole photograph just for all you ladies out there:

A Letter From The Editor

I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate and welcome our most recent writer to the staff of the Academy News. Dare I say that his first published work here on Le Chasseur Maudit shows a great deal of courage and skill, and has also caused quite a stirring and influx of comments from our readers, which I feel obligated to address.

Our first letter comes from Texas, and goes like so:

"Wow! Investigate something else, please!--What program did the manipulator use to improve the resolution of his fake photograph from the rough original?"

The Academy Responds:

Thank you sir for your consternation, it has been duly noted. However, the news dictates itself, and it is what it is, and that is as it chooses to be. I can assure you, on the other hand, I have different fingers, and that strange things of this nature are not new to Christendom, as a story we are currently preparing for publication will show. As to the veracity of the latest report by our forensics team, we are as of yet uncertain, as they chose to report on an investigation in progress without conclusive results. I am looking to it. In fact, I am firing that writer right now. As to the program used, it is most likely Pixalated Picture Printer, or simply some crayons applied to a flatbed scanner.

Our next letter comes from Maryland:

"You seem to be insinuating that the choir director in the cleverly altered photo is not as attractive as the "pale fellow." Clearly this is not true, as I'm sure my fellow sopranos would agree. After all, there must be some reason why, come September, there will still be a soprano section, despite the graduation of Pat MacDougall."

The Academy Responds:

Dear Reader: We do not insinuate. We report. However, it is nice of you to share with all of us your moving tale of unrequited love for a Georgian who is quite taken and not yours to covet. You are, after all, a girl, and so while this comes as no surprise that you are so foolishly minded, you might've at least pretended to be in choir for the music. Alas, and good day.

Our next letter comes from the bass section:

I have to admit, the whole potato sack idea doesn't sound like such a great idea to me. I can't picture any of the above ladies actually showing up to sing in the choir with potato sacks on. And somehow, I get the idea that I'm not about to be proven wrong... How many fire-breathing dragonesses do you know that sing? I know a few such beings, and none of them sing...

The Academy Responds:

Dear Sir: This is a most excellent letter, and you are very observant and enlightened, while at the same time delusionary. In the first place, your not liking the potato sack illustrates the need for it, to guard against that which Dr. Poterack may fear. In the second place, we have here at The Academy News a substantial fund to bribe the designer of the uniforms to come. In the third place, you either have not seen the fire-breathing dragonessses before you in choir, or are cleverly insulting their singing abilities. In the fourth place, you get neither gold nor silver, nor even a bronze medal, so don't finish there. And finally, you are, sir, a card, or very stupid. But we applaud you one and the same.

Our final letter comes to us from the tenor section:

Dear Santa,
I've been a good boy and like to sing about you. Can I please have a pony and a shiny stick made of titanium for beating squirrels and mice with? I promise I won't hurt you, and please bring the sopranos and altos coal, for they are very bad people. Much Love, *name undisclosed*

The Academy Responds:

In the future, please send your letters to Santa Claus through the Post Office. Thank you.

Choir Hoax Unhoaxed!

We at The Academy News have just been informed that a previously posted photograph of a certain choir director with his rather attractive pupils is a fake. An inside source stumbled across a similar photograph and sent it our way earlier this afternoon.

The Academy's forensic experts then performed a side-by-side comparison of the photos to discover which is the original. After hours of careful scrutiny, they determined that the picture published yesterday is a fabrication. The more recent photograph appears to be the original! "It appears that the photograph circulated yesterday was the result of hours of careful computer change-the-facesing," said the lead expert.*

"Look at the man's pale face in the first photo. He's obviously suffocating from the combined effect of seven girls' perfume! But what really gives it away is the girls themselves. Allow me to explain; I have two theories.

Theory # 1. Everyone knows that the only time women beam like that is when they're in the process of man-killing - particularly when the victim is as handsome as that pale fellow. Trust me, I'm a forensic expert.

My second theory is even more horrifying.

Theory # 2. Judging from their appearance and their alleged profession, I think it's clear that those women are none other than sirens. They apparently lured this fellow with their singing - as sirens often do - and now he's caught in their poisonous fumes. They're probably about to stick him in the fireplace.

Clearly, one of these theories must be correct. Either way, the newly published photograph must be the original. I mean, come on, does that choir director guy really expect us to believe that he could keep a straight face even if he couldn't breathe."

The undercover forensic expert went on to say that this is the first case of computer change-the-facesing he has encountered in his illustrious 12 hour career.

We at The Academy News are not exactly sure what any of this means, but we're looking into it. Far be it from us to publish mere rumor or suspicion. In other news, the nameless forensic expert's quote is the longest ever published.


* The following statements do not necessarily reflect the views of The Academy News, but we're broadcasting them anyway.

A PLOT? Desperation of Girls in Choir is Dire.

It is rumored that the ranks are rankled in the girl sections of the Christendom College choir. With fewer choices amongst the male sections than ever before, following the retiring of such basses as Anthony Smitha, Kyle Miller, and John English, (who was taken from the grasp of the sopranos by a member of the kitchen staff, oh my!), the girls published such photographs as this in a bold attempt to draw more dashing members of the male community to bass and tenor sections.

Curious if rumors of choir as dating service be true, we decided to go right to the authority and heart and leader of lieder at the college, Christendom's very own Dr. Kurt Poterack. This interview is an Academy News exclusive, and the real deal, pickle.

Reporter: Dr. Poterack, are the rumors true that the choir is a dating service in disguise?

KP: Absolutely not!

Reporter: In the choir tryouts for men, do you really test their singing abilities, or see if they have viable matches in the girls' sections? Is that their real reason for joining the choir? Or would you say that is why most of the girls join?

KP: Whatever the men's (or women's) reason is for trying out for the choir, I make sure to choose only the ugliest guys so the girls won't be distracted. As for the gals--I am thinking of a new uniform consisting of army boots and a large potato sack with arm and leg holes--but we will have to experiment with that. Perhaps also a hole for the tail, if we have any fire-breathing dragonesses next year . . .

Reporter: Why thank you Dr. Poterack, you have been most helpful and informative.

So for now it would seem the choir is still under control and not a disguised dating extravaganza. Look for future news and exclusive interviews with Dr. Kurt Poterack concerning Christendom's choir, right here at The Academy News.

AND NOW a Word From Our Sponsor....

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This is actually our other blog dog. It is my personal favorite. We do, however, have another dog, but it is our mascot, and shown in this picture which represents both Germany and Texas in an authentic way, you might say.