KANSAN FARMER FOUND GUILTY

In a story that is airing right now, since this is it, the young Kansan farmer of Tractor Execution fame has been found guilty of first degree murder and of being a 75-degree angle, which the District Attorney termed, "Obtuse." While defense attorneys attempted to use this to their advantage, it would seem that all is up for the young resident of Bendena, who has been locked in the Kansas State Prison, which also doubles as an auction stockyard, our Atchison affiliate said. Perhaps even more shocking than this verdict is the fact that the sentenced farmer has converted to Islam. Taking the name Machmud bin-Thardunnit-bu-Skairdyoo-wom-Bad, we could not get the Kansan to comment on his motives for conversion, as he would not stop praying in the direction of Bendena, the city where the prophet should have begun his teaching, according to a note spray-painted in Arabic on the wall of the Kansan's cell. It does sound similar.

Despite many protests from across the country, and gatherings demanding a re-trial such as this group who call themselves: "Dirndls For Freedom,"
the District Attorney's office said the case is closed. "The evidence is clear and final. We made one more call to the residence of the murder victim and he once again did not answer the phone for comment. We sent a Cheverly City policeman in person to the residence, and on inquiring the whereabouts of the victim, he was told that the victim had 'gone to Georgia.'" "And we all know," said the D.A., "that that is just another euphemism for that other place."