TOP STORY

Maybe you thought it was bad. Perhaps you thought it couldn't get worse. Then again, maybe you heard about the new rule (this is for real) which bans computer games from being played privately in dorm rooms at Christendom, but requires they be played in the common areas. Seriously, it is in the new handbook, which you can find online at Christendom.edu.

Yet, it's not over. It's far from over. In an Academy Exclusive, we sent in a team of reporters to see what all is going on in the student life office, and now we have a comprehensive report for you to see. Look out returning and incoming students!

IT'S ALL ABOUT CHANGE:

"We were thinking, you know things sometimes get out of hand around here, you know like when Grant Freeman threw that computer from the balcony on the side of Coeli, so we're completely rethinking student life and conduct for this campus." - anonymous dean.

"It seemed important to start with the RA's and Proctors. Thank Justin Largen for this one, from when he lived in Pius with Tom Cole as his Proctor. We will be issuing a uniform and some field equipment to help RA's and Proctors enforce rules, like no smoking in front of the Commons, or remember last year when those kids wouldn't get out of the fountain at Italian Night even when the head RA told them to? Well they'll listen now. We have a former freshman modeling the new uniform today for the board, let me get her so you can see."

This actually might seem a small step after RA's like N.C. and K.F., but that is only the tip of the iceberg. There are many other reforms going on at Christendom, and while some faculty fear we are going to lose large numbers to Magdalen, other members of the staff feel these are key things to promote virtue and foster community.

Mirrors To Be Removed From Girls' Dorms

"Vanity, thy name is Woman." We refer you to Lizzie Black's personal full length mirror. It seems apparent that one of the detriments to campus life is the fact that girls can never do anything with guys more than half the time they're asked. All guys have experienced this. "I'm busy, I have to do school, I have to go to so and so's b-day party." Usually, none of this is true. They're simply spending time in front of the mirror. "Trust us," said one of the maintenance workers. "We placed pressure sensitive plates under the carpet of several girls' dorm rooms, and they have indicated to us that girls, and not just one, but often groups, stand in front of the mirror for hours on end. Sometimes they even miss meals because of it." - Dane Weber, psychology expert at The Academy.

Dating Couples Not Allowed To Dance

"We want to promote community, and we feel part of this is changing the way things work at dances, but will extend to guy-girl relationships across the board. This rule has two ends: The first and most important is to keep a boyfriend from using the excuse he has to dance with his girlfriend as a means to not dance with any other girls. Secondly, we want our students to be sure of their matches. We've had too many break-ups, even in engagements. This new rule will force dating individuals to dance with others and hopefully force them to consider the options more thoroughly."
~Not sure who said that.

The River Is Closed

"It has been and is illegal, anyway you look at it, and a liability. But on the practical level, I say to you, who wants to dance with someone who is drunk?"- Paul Almeter

Girls Must Be Spaced At Dances

"Guys will never mix and dance with a variety of girls at a dance when the girls bunch up all the time. Nothing is more intimidating, and downright frightening. If he braves the masses and approaches a girl of their number, he feels as if all the other girls are eyeing him and thinking one of two things: he likes her, or why didn't he ask me? But that is only if a guy has the courage to advance on such a formidable obstacle. Usually they don't. Girls must mix in liberally with the guys standing around and carry on conversation, not stare at the dance floor. Chit chat breaks the ice and leads to an enjoyable dance. Standing in groups like cattle waiting for hay only frightens the guys away." -Larry Henson, dance teacher.

New Dress Code For Women

"We want girl/guy friendships, and ultimately dating relationships to stem from personality and character and to not be based on looks. That is why Dr. Fahey and I have come up with two options to make girls unattractive on the physical level," said Dr. Cuddeback. "Girls' dresscode now consists of two elements," said the new deanette, "they may either choose the Burkha option with potato sack or menswear. Both are guaranteed to force guys to choose their girl acquaintances based on personality and character, as there will be no looks."

Girls May Not Dance With Other Girls

"Like bunching in groups along the side, there is nothing as disconcerting to guys as girls dancing with each other, and hurts even those of us guys who want to and try to dance alot," Dan Henson relates. Kyle Miller elaborates on this problem: "You can never know when there is good music to be played at a dance, so you have to wait for the beginning of the song before you ask. All too often it has happened to me that I want to dance with a given girl, and once the song starts and it is good, I have to push through a gang of guys then walk from one end of a herd of girls to the other, and while I'm say, halfway down the line of girls, the one I was going for jumps out on the floor with one or two other girls and starts hopping around like a clown. And I was only six feet away! And now I'm stranded in front of a line of girls. This only ever leaves me one option since I'm not prepared to ask someone else, and that is to freestyle, on the spot."

East vs. West Game No More

"This does not promote community, but creates rivalries and fanaticism. People won't talk to each other from opposite sides, and some paint themselves with lead-based paints which shorten the life span. Besides, the West is always going to win, it's just that simple," Dr. O'Donnell told reporters.

Girls Are Not Allowed To Cuddle

"Most girls flee to the arms of other girls for comfort in time of stress or heartbreak. We're trying to drive them into the arms of guys, dating or available. This will shake up the entire factionalism, which combined with the new girl dresscode, will be like a blender of community unity. Moreover, if this is done in a public place, we can increase the revenues that RDA rules bring us." - Lou Massett

No More LSD

"How many times have one of the girls come back to Campion from the Chapel late at night, and been frightened out of their wits by this sight in the common room. We've got to ban LSD, plain and simple. " - Mr. O'Herron

Stricter Ban On Pets

"Despite the rules it seems that some people are intent on breaking them no matter what. That is why we have banned any non-human life form on campus, except for plants. And it doesn't matter if your pet wears human clothes or has a doctorate."- Dr. Kelly

Snipers

Finally, the college has placed a ban on all snipers except for one, who is to enforce new policies against drinking along the river, starting this fall.