Bricks and Stones Don't Break Bones, But Hurt My Feelings

Christendom College, Front Royal VA -

One of the older dormitories on the Christendom College campus is undergoing a frightful repression in time for the College's 30th Anniversary celebration. In an attempt to "improve" the face of the Blessed Margaret of Castello Dormitory, home to many vagrant and wayward girls, it is to be covered in a layer of brick, a move which will also attempt to blend Blessed Margaret's in with the other dormitories for "ladies." The Academy News has an exclusive scoop on the inside story, as undercover reporters bypassed administrative red-tape, maintenance sentinels, a sleepy security guard, and several small bushes to see what an oft-overlooked individual had to say regarding this shocking change.

"I feel as if I should be ashamed, but I do not understand what is wrong with me. Perhaps this is a fitting trial, as my namesake was imprisoned by her father and couldn't even see out of a window. Well maybe that was because she was blind," the dormitory itself told Academy reporters. "I keep up with the news, I've seen many generations of students, and yet, I can't help but feel like a Muslim woman about to don a Burkha," the dorm continued. "What have I to hide? Is my face not beautiful? Do I need a face stretch like Mary Tyler Moore, or a nose replaced with plastic like Michael Jackson? I think not. I am truly beautiful! They want to change me, and I do not like it, but what can I do?" Blessed Margaret's Dormitory plans to spring many more leaks and shift on her foundation over the next several years in retaliation for her being bricked in, according to her close friend Green Dumpster.

The Academy interviewed two other obscure, but heavily impacted groups privy to this dormitory renovation. Shortly before being uprooted and rolled away, the bushes around the dormitory shouted to reporters: "This is not fair, we paid our taxes! Why are they doing this to us!? Can't we just get along?" Another bush was heard to say: "Water!" shortly before it died. The second group of individuals interviewed by Academy reporters were the new bricks themselves. "Eh, what difference does it make?" their spokesman said. "We've been sitting around in the parking lot being abused and battered for several years now. Some of our number were hijacked and walled in the proctor of St. Kevin's before returning, and some others were taken away and made to hold in fire and ashes by Mr. Mudd. So being part of a building is at least kinda dignified."

We also asked Mr. Foeckler about this project, but he had no comment: "I have no comment at this time, I said."