Parlay Voo French?

Headlines being what they are-tools to attract attention-the one for this article?

Yes, we know that was an incomplete sentence.

RECENTLY, in a neighboring publication, the following excerpt appeared:

"From Kentucky, Meghan, Jonathan, Justin and I headed off to Fort Wayne, Indiana to visit Kelly at her new house. We attended Mass on Sunday morning at a beautiful cathedral in the area, called the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception. For some reason the guys decided to adhere to Christendom tradition, and sat apart from us girls at Mass. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that."

Well, we here at the Academy would certainly not let this interesting angle slip by, so naturally, we have conducted an in-depth investigation on this matter. Comprehensiveness is the name of the game with the blame on the dame in the Seine with the cellophane in the rain, and as such, our report surely left no stone unturned. First off, we asked Meghan what she thought: "I was so enraptured by the cantor's singing I didn't even notice the guys weren't around, being flanked by girls on either side anyway." When interviewing Miss Fogarty, we found that it would be better to paraphrase her many statements, which we have done thus: "I was sorely distressed!"
But what of the young men? How were the fates sealed? "Mesmerized by the Baptismal swimming pool with fountain, I became completely disoriented," recalled a sun-burned Justin Largen. "All I could think of was, why do they tempt me this way? The A/C was out and there was this bubbling pool right there. I mean it was RIGHT THERE!" Less enthusiastic, Mr. Dittert commented, "Well, it was my idea, and it turned out to be a bad one, cause this chica sat right in front of us and she was not dressed for church, or any other place, and so I felt like I couldn't even look down in the pew for fear of seeing her. I wish I had sat next to Mary after all." Mr. Largen expanded upon this by saying, "It was the rainstorm that did it. We got lost." We then interviewed the assistant priest of that parish, who told us, "Greetings, young people," and then jumped into his batmobile and and fled the scene.