The "Real World" Hits Christendom

Debates with the bishop on Liturgical norms are no longer the main concern at Christendom College, as plans revealing the proposed "Chapel of Community," a round cylindrical structure, were unveiled last week. "Students may sit in the round amphitheater-like seating, see and wave at each other, which fosters a sense of community, emphasizing our part in the Communion of Saints. The sanctuary is down in the central part, which allows everyone to see the celebration clearly, but still retains the Christendom tradition of keeping the sanctuary separate and distinct from the nave," Fr. Heisler told reporters. The other chaplain stated that, "I'm just glad they put a safety net over the sanctuary, so freshman won't throw litter down at me during the homily." Fr. Heisler quickly rejoined that, "The homily and readings will not be shouted from down in the sanctuary, but will be read at the same level as the congregation, from a hyrdaulic pulpit which rises up to the amphitheatre at the press of a button. It's really cool." The new chapel also features a retractable roof and a helipad to accomodate his excellency's new Liturgical Interdiction Squad helicopter.

Students are reaching outside of the bubble and "getting in touch" with the rest of the world by bringing part of that world to the college. Students began by indulging in the mundane activities of the secular college campus, such as wearing the newest fashions and trends in clothing, watching more TV and finding ways to sneak in video games, orchestrating public protests, searching for employment before graduation, making parties a priority over studying, reading less of the Summa and more of People Magazine, and last but not least, eating out rather than going to the cafeteria, just as the three Magi used to do. Who are the ring-leaders who brought these modern day trends to Christendom College? Well, so far we can only distinguish a few...

Who doesn't know Mr. I. B. Patriotic? He is perhaps the most America-loving student, purpotedly willing to give up his college education in trade for one of George Washington's fabled wooden toothies. When the editor received this picture of Mr. Patriotic protesting with an upside-down American flag, he fell asleep from boredom. When passed down to this reporter, however, there were some doubts about this man's patrioterorrism. Asked about the reasons for his public protest he said "I don't nohow nuther support an America of the States United that sits by and watches those devil dudes attacking our Israeli friends. We got nukes; why can't I have one? 2nd Amendment Man. It'd solve all our Middle East problems if there was no Middle East! We should be in there blowing those sons of Shriners to kingdom come." Nothing like a good protest to liven the campus up.

Our next example of the real world coming to Christendom is a bit more bizarre (if you can imagine that). A large proportion of New Agers believe they are capable of speaking to animals. Often in parks, or along the rosary path, you will see young men and women sitting by themselves in pairs looking intently at a passing squirrel or deer as you pass by, when the moment you rounded the bend, you could've sworn they had been holding hands. Sometimes, if you scare the animal away the man or woman turns and gives you a look that seems to say "how dare you interrupt my conversation with the furry creatures." That's when you stare back with a look of "My favorite dish is stuffed squirrel with a side of hashed cottontail." Unfortunately, this part of the world has found its way into the hearts and minds of several Christendom students. When we asked one girl who was talking to a fish why she was talking to a fish she responded; "Well, I love animals and they love me back! I was just trying to be a friend because he looked lonely in the tiny little fishbowl." Not wanting to be rude, we let them return to their conversation with three fish, wondering which one was the lonely one...

The Academy News is concerned that the lass just mentioned may be involved with bringing other, more unwanted, aspects of the world to campus, such as the recent rise of townies found on campus, and the return of fishing and bathing Mexicans at the dam, an activity she is rather fond of. This is purely speculation, though, and such things drive the price of oil high.

Just how much more of the world will we see inside the Christendom bubble? Can Christendom handle it? Will the students fight back? Will the administration realize what's going on soon enough to put a stop to it or will there be a repeat of the storming of the Bastille with the storming of Regina Coeli? Why is there only one TV on campus for guys to use? When will they get a second TV? Is a third too much to ask? I missed the Miss America pageant last time? Can there be a Miss Christendom pageant? Is St. Kevin's worth anything or should it be burned to the ground, with all inhabitants inside? Is the cafeteria's roast beef actually considered meat, or can they serve it on Fridays? Who are the main culprits behind this "invasion of the world" into the bubble?

I, the Fonz, vow to delve into these issues and bring you, the readers, not the Fonz, the answers to these questions.