Academy News has just received word that an unusually large concentration of rats has been discovered in our nation's capital. These large rodents have been seen loitering in DC streets during night hours. This photo was taken by an Academy agent who infiltrated one of the more notorious rat packs. We're not supposed to give out his name, but fan mail can be sent to justinlargen@yahoo.com. Also, if you call 911-357-2829, we'll send you his home address for a nominal fee.
Regarding the size of the rat infestation, we spoke with several Diplomatic Security Service (DSS) Officers who frequently conduct night patrols around State Department facilities. "Do you see many rats," we asked. The common response was simply, "This place be full of big rats yo...they be tastin' real good too dog!"*
DC police believe the rat gangs are largely responsible for the recent increase in homicides throughout the region. The rats are said to disapprove of firearms, however, opting to kill in a more humane way. Oddly, some of the rats are also believed to enjoy an occasional swim in the Potomac while intoxicated. The DC Police Dept. was kind enough to provide us with mug shots of the largest rats, which we then scanned into a new piece of software that converts rough sketches into three dimensional photographs. The police confiscated our machine, but not before we retrieved this image.
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We strongly urge all citizens in DC, Maryland, and Northern Virginia to be on the lookout for these two suspects. They are believed to be unarmed and dangerous. If you see either of the rats, please contact us immediately. We have a decontamination team standing by. Whatever you do, though, don't panic. Neither of them looks very intelligent.
*This quote was translated into plain english since DSS security officers have notorious and unpublishable language. ~The Editor
I never take advantage of people on purpose.
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