Survey Says: Older Women More Mature Than Younger Women

Front Royal, VA-

There seems to be a growing trend among new and used Christendom students. When we heard that Maria Ruhl and John Mercandetti (whom some claim bears an uncanny resemblance to Mike Baggot and may be his long lost brother) were dating we thought it interesting, if not exciting, if not a cause for celebration, if not a good excuse to get drunk at the River. When we heard of Maria Newton and Matt Mazzocco dating, though, we knew that there was a story.

In order to try to understand this growing trend, we went to Mr. Wurtz,* and asked him for his comments.

INTERVIEWER: Mr. Wurtz, what are you comments?
WURTZ: My job ain't all rocket science you know.
INTERVIEWER: What is your opinion of freshmen men dating senior women?
WURTZ: Well I don’t know much about dating, but I do know this; computer games is the devil!
INTERVIEWER: Don’t you mean “are,” sir?
WURTZ: What?
INTERVIEWER: Don’t you mean “computer games are the devil"?
WURTZ: That’s what I said.
INTERVIEWER: No, you said “computer games is the devil.”
WURTZ: Listen here, I recommend you re-take that freshmen grammar test, because “computer games is the devil” is all wrong.
INTERVIEWER: But I didn’t say it wrong, you did.
WURTZ: You just did! I heard you!
INTERVIEWER: No, I said that you said “computer games is the devil.” I was only repeating your words.
WURTZ: What? Gar! Three Cheers for a funeral of Pirates!

That's when my pencil broke and I had to leave, since I could not find another. (So I said.)

Instead of taking the interview to Dr. O’Donnell about his thoughts on the matter, we went straight to the source (not sure of what) and spoke with Mr. Mazzococoa. When asked what his reasons behind dating a graduating senior were, he replied; “Simply because of the fact that dating a graduating girl was the most reasonable choice. I mean, when you look at a girl that’s graduating you can tell that she’s got it together; you can more easily picture her being a wife and mommy. She’s already gone through all those “growing up” stages that girls in my class just haven’t gone through. Think about it; what guy in their right mind would be crazy enough to date one of those wacko top floor Campion girls? Besides Maria was valedictorian and would look good in a yarmulke.”

He certainly has a point. There is little doubt that with intelligent, practical, and romantic men like John and Matt coming to Christendom we haven’t seen the last of freshmen men dating senior women.

Work that iron, Maria.

*Editor's Note: This may or may not be the same Mr. Wurtz who is the Dean of Student Life at CC. Chances are, the interviewer got the wrong guy. His report states that this Mr. Wurtz was living in an abandoned jail near Woodstock.