"Really, I love words that begin with 'Ph,'" she told one of our reporters. "I mean, mainly I guess you would say I'm a philanthropist, and a little bit of a philanderer, but I also love philosophy, and photography, which is why I came to Christendom. I've also studied Greek, and am researching ways to begin my name Meghan with the letter 'phi.'"There is little doubt of this woman's charity, but also no doubt as to her entrepreneurial and enterprising spirit. This week we're taking a look into the life of Meghan E. Beller, a name which means so much to so many by so few--she's a woman who touches and changes lives. Thanks to this, her popularity abounds, and there is hardly a home in America, or the world over, that doesn't know someone named Meghan. Although some spell it without the "h."
We asked her the key to her success, and she responded: "Well, that is an interesting question, and actually a multi-faceted one, like my diamond necklace. You see, I first dabbled in the stockmarket when I was 11, and I did ok. Later on, after reviving the American economy, I decided to really get into Money Marketing, and this has returned some huge dividends. But the real income, and I'm talking millions here, comes from a source that not many of my friends know. Allow me to explain. Growing up, I heard stories of there being Cherokee in my ancestry, which I thought amply explained my sensational tanning abilities. Then one day it occurred to me that Cherokee ancestry could be an important asset. I wrote to the government and got the response I hoped for: a $500,000 grant. With this I built a small casino hidden on an island in the Potomac, and it nets several million annually. However, I know some of you out there may be thinking this is a horrible way for me to make money, but I'm one step ahead of you. An I.Q. test is required before entering my casino, and only really stupid people are allowed in. Our customers are mostly Irish, quite a few Polish, and alot of Democrats."
However she comes by her money, there is a proliferation of evidence as to Miss Beller's generosity, and her attempts to help those in need. During a tour across the United States in which she visited public school after public school, Meghan posed with one of America's most literaturerually challenged women. "She not really mentally retarded," Meghan said. "She just needs a little care and a new name." Turning to another patient in the psychiatric ward, she said, "This poor man is sad, and retarded. There is nothing I can do for him.
During a social event in Buckingham Palace, in which Queen Elizabeth awarded Meghan with the Iron Cross with oak leaves and crossed hairbrushes for a hairdoo well done, Miss Beller posed with England's latest child wonder. "I'm already 14 and none of my teeth have rotted out!" she told our foremost reporter, Justin Largen.
Her fame not limited to the Old and New Worlds, Meghan recently appeared in an Australian commercial for Italian Ice. "I loved the hat, but the country was strange. I saw these little furry animals everywhere called wombats. They reminded me very strongly of someone I knew, but I wasn't sure who. It was really creepy though, because the facial similarity almost gave me the feeling a four-legged furry animal with a man's head was staring at me."
Aside from her social butterflying, philanthropic visits to people in need across the globe, and reception of awards (such as her recent reception in Syria of the Oil Storage Tank Medal with Gas Pump for her work against global warming [distributing a/c window units to every Arab family in the Middle East]), Meghan enjoys a number of productive hobbies. "Like I said, I love words that begin with 'ph,' and I love singing, so I joined the Christendom College Choir and became a phsoprano. The 'ph' is silent. I would've been the section leader, but I was away receiving my second grammy for my recent release, 'Where Art Your Eyelashes, O Darling Darin,' and was unable to attend auditions." She also loves to skeet shoot while bungie jumping, ice skating on water above 32°F, water skiing with roller blades, and knitting with crochet needles while sitting on someone else's roof. Contrary to rumors, she is not a fan of burning live squirrels and eating out-dated milk.
Not all has a happy and propserous ending in Meghan's life. During a candid moment in an interview with one of our reporters, Miss Beller became very quiet, then with a look of distress said, "I'm already twenty, and I'm not even married." After a brief pause, she continued: "I don't think it had to be this way, but I think the only man I ever really loved is gone forever, and I shall never see him again." She then began to relate a story, one of relentless drama and suspense, which took place on a trip to Banica, a small Pacific island off the coast of Sardinia, just west of France, when she was on a mission to save endangered monkeys from poisonous coconuts.
"Myself and my friend Martin, who is a girl, were on the outskirts of a small village roasting a non-endagered monkey we had killed, when a pair of Mexican Banditos came tearing up the road in a silver truck, trailing a huge cloud of dust and a net filled with coconuts tied to the bumper. They stopped and forced Martin and I into the truck, and took off down the road. After several hours of driving through the trans-Atlantic tunnel, we were going across Ohio when it happened. On a small two lane highway in the middle of farmland, a lone biker slowly overtook the truck. I looked back, and while I tried to catch my breath again, surveyed a very rugged, rough and ready sort of man. He had one earring, in his left ear, a bandana on his head, dark unrevealing sunglasses, and a whole air of mystery and strength about him. I fell in love with him instantly, and knew that he alone could save me from my plight. I waved incessantly at him, but he retained a stony countenance. Catching onto my motions, the Privateer driving the truck sped ahead and passed multiple cars in an attempt to lose my rescuer. My hero came after us though, and caught up, but then the Musketeer riding shotgun threw out a bannana peel which sent the motorcycle sliding off the road into a corn field. I never saw him again."
the District Attorney's office said the case is closed. "The evidence is clear and final. We made one more call to the residence of the murder victim and he once again did not answer the phone for comment. We sent a Cheverly City policeman in person to the residence, and on inquiring the whereabouts of the victim, he was told that the victim had 'gone to Georgia.'" "And we all know," said the D.A., "that that is just another euphemism for that other place."
field disguise, to get a more candid interview with Mr. Cole. This is what happened, according to our reporter:
